


Playing Myself

by spaceyloser



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Blackmail, Complete, Drug Use, Happy Ending, Hiding, High School, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Online Relationship, Pastel Phil, Phanfiction, References to Depression, Romance, Self-Hatred, Sexuality Crisis, Underage Drinking, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-13 04:58:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 28,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9107590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceyloser/pseuds/spaceyloser
Summary: Dan talks, walks, and runs with the straight boys. From a young age he learned how to properly hide himself, to be one of them. But hiding who you really are for your entire life starts to weigh on you.There is one place where Dan expresses himself, Tumblr. One day he stumbles across a teenage boy's blog, this particular boy has an affiliation with plants. He only wears soft colors and smiles brighter than the sun. Dan and the boy become friends online, friends who flirt a lot, and Dan quickly falls in love, and suspects he feels the same. The only trouble is, this boy lives all the way in England, so Dan will never see him in person, right?





	1. In The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back.

Dad tried to keep me home another day from thanksgiving break to go hunting again. To him, and mom, and hell, even my brother, killing a deer is more important than getting a diploma. But what do I know? I'm just a stupid kid.

Today, truthfully, is the best day to go to school. Half of the kids won't even be there, they'll be gladly out in the woods, in the cold and fog just to shoot at something. Most of them aren't even good shots.

Normally dad wouldn't bother me as much with hunting, but with my brother away at college he finds it necessary to take me out. One day I think he may take me out there to hunt _me._

Hell, he would if he knew how I spent my free time.

I fell asleep on skype again last night with him. I want to desperately put his number in my phone's contacts as him<3, just because I feel like I should be aloud to be cheesy too. Cheesy and in love with a cute British boy I'll never meet in person.

Well, I mean, maybe, but not likely.

He fell asleep quicker than I did last night, because he just made the longest move of his life, moving from his cute British city to the states. He wasn't too pleased with the arrangement. Mostly because he had to leave his older sister behind because she was going to college in Manchester.

He didn't tell me where he was moving just as I didn't tell him where I live. He lived in a big city so it was okay for him to talk about Manchester, but this town is too small, too rural, too "quaint," as my grandmother puts it.

Besides, we have a good thing going, me and him. We talk as friends and text and skype, but we flirt and send selfies when the other is sad, and occasionally, speak a bit scandalously over skype to the other. I really don't want to scare him away by asking too many questions. Besides, we pretty much know everything else about each other. Location is nothing, unless we're talking about permanent location. We love to talk about the universe and how we're stuck here forever.

He knows about how suffocating and terrible my family is, and how my dad would probably shoot me in the woods if he caught me with a boy, and how sometimes I would just love to get shot in the woods. I've been playing a game too long, I never really got to figure out who I really am because I was too busy trying to hide myself.

So I wore a tan work jacket that I want to burn and blue jeans with boots to school on Tuesday because I was trying to be someone else, or maybe I'd been playing someone else for my entire life. Over ten years I have worked to get into this safe position, I wasn't about to throw it away just because I wanted to wear skinny jeans and sweaters.

My old blue pick up truck decided to grunt to life that morning, the interior was tearing and there were cigarette burns in the seats from my grandfather, as this was his truck. Sometimes I think he still haunts it. He died about two days before I got my license. The only nice thing the old grump ever did for me.

 

I sat in the parking lot for ten minutes before deciding to go in, not ready for several old unqualified men to drone on in monotone, depressing voices for hours on end.

As I climbed out of the truck my phone vibrated in my pocket. I'd have to put it in my backpack soon, when teachers see your phone, as strange light goes into their eyes that students years ago probably killed, and you'll never see your precious phone again. 

Phil: First impressions of American schools, not impressed. 

Me: It all goes downhill from there. Text me when you can :)

Phil: Will do. <3

I tried to ignore the awkward school girl flutter I felt when I saw the heart. It was the same one I felt when he actually messaged me back that day on Tumblr. 

It was July, he was my favorite blog. He just posted like plants and selfies and aesthetic buildings and I fell in love. Something about a boy in a bright pink sweater and white skinny jeans warms my heart. And then there's his smile. Which I cannot get enough of. 

I wiped the loving look off my face as I walked into the lions den and right up to the lions, in which I was part of their pride. That's the funny thing. They're a pride of lions and I'm a turtle with a fake mane on. My roar is as strong as my bite.

"Hey Howell. You won't believe the lie John is spinning now." Billy greeted, I nodded at them. "He's saying he banged Rita Fisher."

"Who's Rita Fisher?" 

"Are you fucking kidding? The freshman that Tim supposedly got pregnant last year?" He lowered his voice even though Tim wasn't here. Probably out with his brother hunting again. Last year an eighth grader got pregnant and she said Tim was the father, but Tim wouldn't say he was unless they got a DNA test and that never happened, her daughter remains fatherless. She's a cute baby, has Tim's eyes. 

"Oh right, I mean I don't think John would lie about that, she wouldn't really lose anything reputation wise if she did sleep with him." I shrugged at them, completely uncaring. 

As the bell for first period rang we were all ready to go to class when Shaun ran up to us. 

"Guys did you see the fairy?" 

My phone buzzed. 

Phil: Okay, so I'm lost. 

I put my phone into my backpack, if I took the time to answer they'd question me. 

"The what?" 

"The-look, there he is now." 

Everyone seemed to turn in slow motion, and now I was at the front of the pride. I'm the tallest, the skinniest, if I wasn't apart of this group I'd get beat up, hell, I'd be the "fairy."

I didn't recognize him at first. His black hair was in his face and he was staring down at his schedule. He wore a large mint green sweater and black skinny jeans paired with high-tops that had fucking daisies on them. God did he look out of place, he's a fucking target, and the people love their guns. 

And then he looked up, and my heart did the little flutter thing, but it was different, this was vomit, I was probably turning green. 

I saw the exact moment it clicked in his head who I was, and then I was the exact moment it clicked what was happening. I had told him everything, how I worked for a decade to hide myself in a group of straight bullys just to be safe, how I hated myself for it. He said it was okay and he wished he was there to hold me, to stop my tears. And now he is here and just in time, I'm about to start crying again. 

"Dan?" His beautiful beautiful accent swirled through the hall, everyone had stopped and watched, for the first time in my life the spot light was on me. I gained control of my muscles and closed my face off, locking my jaw and started walking down the hall. Trying to block out his confused face. I should've just stayed home today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you may think school isn't like this, but mine is. I'm literally writing this in the image of where I'm getting my education.


	2. Suffering Was Created

Phil's crushed face followed me throughout my day, and every time I saw him I felt nauseous, and it happened a lot. He sits right in front of me second period. His stupid accent surrounded my desk as he told the teacher who he was, and I couldn't blow it away, he was actually here. How the fuck? In all the states, counties, cities, towns, why here? He isn't safe here. Hell, _I'm_ not safe here.

Phil knows this, he knows everything, he knows why I'm hiding, why this school is a sinking ship, why my life is the fucking titanic. This is what he gets for buying a ticket.

People parted like the red sea for him whenever he walked down it, watching him exist. The British boy in pastels. He's a dinosaur in Manhattan, a donkey at the bottom of the sea. Bullies just glared, seizing him, giving him one day before he became food. By bullies I mean my "friends," which Phil knows. If he didn't hate me when I told him all of this he must hate me now.

 

"So what's with you and the new kid?" I didn't feel like putting on an indifferent face. I had plenty of time to do that in the nearing future, for now, I allowed myself a quick mourning period.

"Nothing."

"Then why did he-"

"I don't know, I don't know him."

"Good. Boys' a fucking fairy, look at him, what a princess." My cheeks grew hot at the name and I felt myself shutting down, becoming a robot. Phil had called me princess, once or twice, he knew how it made me feel.

"Yeah, obviously." I replied, doodling in the margins of my notebook. It's something the guys picked on me for in the past, because apparently doodling a dog on your notes is queer too.

Phil walked in to the class that as the bell rang. The last period of the day and I still couldn't get away from him.

"Hello, I'm Phil." Phil's voice was always so soothing, it's so much silkier in person. Every word is like a knife in my heart.

My last period of the day is biology which is run by my school's leading homophobic teacher. He's actually made comments in class, which I'm sure he'd get in trouble for, if anyone bothered to report him. Instead they egged him on. He's young too, but I guess that doesn't matter around here.

Mr. D is what everyone calls him, because his last name is something long and ridiculous.

Mr. Dick took one look at Phil and decided he knew everything about him, and decided he should be put in the place where he would suffer the most. In the empty desk between John and I. John wouldn't have any mercy for him, and lucked out and got front row seats to watch it.

"Right there, in between John and Dan, they'll help you catch up." Phil smiled and Mr. D practically threw a text book at him, laughing as he did so. Phil smiled back, probably in an effort to be polite.

Suddenly, Janice Mulligan stuck her foot out and Phil landed hard on the floor. It was loud, obviously. He's taller than the fucking statue of liberty. But Mr. D had turned his back quick and pretended like he didn't hear it. Phil seemed to get how things worked around here pretty quickly and crawled his way to his seat while everyone giggled quietly.

I felt sick to my stomach and couldn't bring myself to cough up a fake laugh. Phil didn't look at me as he sat down, but I could feel everyone watching us. Ever since this morning word has been spreading of the fairy who's friends with Dan Howell. People watched wherever either of us went, hoping for some sort of interaction. This was the closest we had gotten to each other, well, ever. All eyes are on me, I have to act bored and disgusted to get out of the fifteen minutes of fame Phil gave me.

I was holding breath and staring forward and I could tell Phil was doing the exact same thing.

At some point during the lesson he shifted and I snuck a quick glance at him, and I saw he had tears in his eyes, and I felt my own fill up as well. This can't be easy for him. He never mentioned bullies at his old school. Hell, he was out to everyone by thirteen. He was shocked when I told him about this town, about these people. And now he has to endure it too. I'd never wish it on anyone, especially him. He's too good for this sort of torment.

 

The girl behind him would kick his chair every so often and then laugh quietly with her friend. I had Phil in other classes, but I had never had to see it this close up. This is torture. I care for him so much, too much. And there's absolutely nothing I can do.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so I might switch to Phil's POV at some point, just fair warning. I'll mark it when I do.


	3. Heartache Was Created

After school, the guy's custom was the stand around the guy with the newest truck's truck for an hour before heading off. Today, that was Blake, who totaled his last truck and got a new one two days later. And of course, I had to participate it in the annual practice or the guys would gossip about what the fuck was up with me.

Blake and John were in an heated argument about who's tits were better, Blake arguing his ex girlfriend Marsha, and John arguing Mrs. Taylor.

"Marsha's are huge and perfectly round, you've never even seen Mrs. Taylor's tits!" Mrs. Taylor was Miss. Adams last year, and is now married to one Caroline Taylor, a college professor a town over where they live. Mrs. Taylor being the only openly gay faculty member, all of the guys like to talk about her and her wife having sex. They're hypocrites, that's obvious, but it doesn't seem to bother them.

John was about to argue Mrs. Taylor's tits and I was feeling physically sick. It's not that the female physique disgusted me, I'm not that gay, it's just the way they talk about these women, like they're pieces of meat for the taking.

"What do you think?" John turned to me, obviously expecting an immediate answer, but truly I didn't care.

"I don't really...I'm more of an ass man myself." I responded, throwing in the cocky assertion that these boys eat for breakfast. They laughed and pushed each other as they did so. I never understood why guys feel the need to do this, to shove each other as if it makes the statement funnier, but I joined in as well, feeling like a bigger hypocrite than them.

Just as the laughter and man-handling died down, Shaun nodded in the direction of the sidewalk that wrapped around the school, and there was Phil, wearing his pastels and pale skin. His hair was so dark compared to the rest of him, he's truly a masterpiece.

"Check it out, wonder what car is Mr. Queers?" Parking spaces "up top" were limited by the seniors and the few lucky juniors that put their requests in quickly, I was lucky to get campus parking. Everyone else had to park in the parking lot below the giant hill the school sits on and walk up it everyday.

"Let's go find out!" Blake slapped the side of his red ford as he yanked open the door, the guys cheered and all made way for their respective trucks. Except for two, who had to park in the lower parking lot.

I sighed, knowing exactly what was about to happen.

They'd herd him like he was cattle, then surround him with trucks until he's trapped, and yell at him until their hearts content, sometimes they'd take turns smacking him around, and I just couldn't stomach it today.

I slid into my truck like everyone else, my truck was the oldest and they picked on me for it, so I'd be last in line.

I quickly yanked my phone out of my pocket, sending one final message to Phil.

**Me: Run**

**Phil: what?**

**Me: They wanna play farmers, and you're the cattle. Run to your car and drive away as fast as you can.**

 

He didn't answer me after that, and I prayed he started running down the hill as fast as it would let him.

Shaun honked his horn, signaling that it was my turn to follow, so I pulled out and followed closely behind Shaun's old truck, its twenty years newer than mine but it's still old as hell.

By the time we made it to the lower parking lot, a tiny sky colored car was speeding off through the other exit and down the road. Safe, shit, safe for now. It's just going to keep getting worse.

 

* * *

 

 

When I got home mom and dad left a note saying they were out hunting, and that my brother Trevor might call. Trevor lives close enough that he comes home most weekends, sits on our couch and drinks all my dad's beer, which pisses my dad off to the point of him throwing empty beer cans at my brother and then me or my mom until we go buy him more.

I sat in my room and kept the landline far far away. I'm pretty sure my parents are the only ones who still have a landline. Neither of my parents can work a smart phone, and they both own flip phones they've had since my childhood.

Around six I couldn't take it anymore, I usually talked to Phil all day everyday, and I know now we shouldn't, he probably hates me now anyway, but I just can't be away from him for so long.

His Tumblr was aesthetic and beautiful and perfectly Phil, post after post was pretty pink clothes or walls covered in ivy or old bookshelves.

He had a section just for selfies, and I never had the courage to screen shot any of them.

The most recent one, my favorite one, is from a month ago. He's sitting on some dead brown grass, the sky dreary and his cheeks pink from the cold. He wore dark eyeliner and soft pink lipstick and a white sweater, his face was turned down, showing off his long lashes and his dark hair contrasted like a painting against the cold autumn sky.

God, I have to talk to him.

**Me: Phil?**

He started calling me, face timing actually, god I wasn't up to seeing his face, not after the day I've had.

"Dan?" With the one syllable in my boring common name, I started sobbing. I love it when he says my name, he doesn't do it often, he usually says sweetheart, or love, or princess...he makes Dan sound like the answer to every question ever asked, not like an annoying grumble.

"No, no don't cry, baby, you know I hate it when you cry."

"I'm so-I'm so-I'm so sorry Phil!"

"I know, okay? Believe me I know? I'm sorry too, okay? I haven't forgotten, I know why you do it, I do, but-"

"But we can't..." I drifted off, not wanting to finish my statement.

"I know, I understand and I know. I care a great deal for you, princess." My hand couldn't muffle sob that retched from my body as he called me that.

"I ca-care for you too."

"I guess it's time we sign off for good." I tried to keep myself together, as this is probably the last time I'll speak to Phil as equals.

"Be careful, stay safe."

He furrowed his brows, "I can handle myself, you be careful." He had tears in his eyes, and he was the one who ended the call.

 

 


	4. Strength was Created

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter with drinking and drugs in it.

The first week was coming to a close and I didn't bother going to school Friday, I felt as if they life had been sucked out of me, the only reason I had to live was being tormented day in and day out and I had to sit back and watch. Sometimes I had to take part, and god, when he'd look at me...with those eyes full of understanding, it made me sick. After the first time, the first time on Thursday where I had to lay a hand on him, that's when I went home and vomited up my lunch and dinner.

John and Tim held up him against a brick wall behind the school, the twinkle of a kill in there eyes, the same look a child has on Christmas morning.

"Fag." Tim spat,

"Original." Phil mumbled back, earning a punch in the stomach. It took everything in my power not to wince. Phil never just took it, at least not the verbal abuse. He always could come up with something quicker than all the guys combined, and it made them hate him more. They've almost given up all their usual targets because their hatred towards him takes up all of their time.

"Come on then, Dan. Get 'em." I locked my jaw and stood over Phil, who was beaten and bloody, but still looked at me like he understood everything I was doing. I didn't understand it, why couldn't he just hate me? It would all be so much better if he spit in my face and called me scum, I deserve it, I don't deserve him.

Phil eyes where two blue whirlpools of sadness, but not for himself, I know that, he pities me.

When I raised my fist my stomach was in knots, but I made sure my face held as much malice as the other boy's did. I was one of them, that hadn't changed. Once a monster, always a monster.

 

When the guy's were done, they dropped him there and he hit the ground hard. I didn't know if he'd be able to make it home okay, but I couldn't help him, I couldn't even help myself.

 

* * *

 

 

On Friday I couldn't keep any of my food down, so mom didn't have any reason to suspect me lying about being sick and she let me stay home while she went to the hospital for her shift. Dad went hunting, so it was just me and my toilet.

 

The guys face timed me at lunch because they thought I was full of shit, but I answered it in the bathroom after some particularly awful retching, and they let it go.

"We were gonna go after the fairy at lunch but he doesn't seem to be here, hiding somewhere else for lunch." I saw Phil going into Mrs. Taylor's room at lunch Wednesday, but I'd never tell them. Mrs. Taylor's room is probably the only time of the day where Phil is safe.

Mrs. Taylor doesn't like me, and that's understandable, I'm one of the bullies that go after her kind, why would she like me? I'm just glad she's taking care of Phil, she's a force of nature when she's angry.

* * *

 

 

On Saturday it was Tim's seventeenth birthday, so we all went to his dad's hunting cabin the woods. His dad decided that being sixteen was practically being an adult, so he lets us all stay out there by ourselves, and Shaun brings his brother's beer and we get drunk and play cards.

There is no wifi up there, and I've taken to falling asleep looking at Phil's tumblr. I actually made and entirely new tumblr to follow him so he wouldn't know when I looked at his posts.

"Alright, Shaun's here, time to really celebrate." Tim rubbed his gloved hands together in excitement. It's also December and there was no heating, so we prayed the alcohol would keep us warm. I'm the only one in the whole group with a summer birthday. The closest is John, whose is in March.

Shaun hopped out of his truck and then someone else hopped out as well, two other people.

"Shit, is that..."

"Shaun's sister."

Shaun's little sister Mary is a manipulative brat and I'm not surprised at all that she weaseled her way into coming up here. There was another girl with her, probably another freshman. Long black hair in an emo cut, with a Panic! at the Disco sweatshirt and skinny jeans, she didn't look all that excited in being here, and I couldn't blame her. Knowing Mary, she probably tricked or threatened the girl into coming here with her.

Shaun came in with two cases of beer and a grim look on his face.

"Mary said she'd tell mom about the beer if I didn't let her come, that's her friend or something, I don't know, she didn't speak the whole way up here."

Mary came in holding a Victoria Secret gym bag, her lip glossed lips curved into a triumphant grin. The emo girl behind her had one earbud in and hauled a black back pack over her shoulder. Her one eye was covered in black hair, but the other was grey-blue and staring right through me. There was something strangely familiar about it.

"Hey Mary." Tim greeted with a grumble, ripping the case of beer open and not hesitating to take a swig. Tim is an alcoholic waiting to happen, the way he drinks, the amount he drinks, its sad really. Beer isn't even good.

"Hey, happy birthday Tim! Hey, you know, I'll be fifteen in a few weeks, maybe we could come up here again."

"Your birthday is Christmas eve, Mary. Keep dreaming." Mary shrugged and glanced around, mildly disgusted at her surroundings.

"Oh! This is October!" Mary seemed to remember her friend, October rolled her eyes.

"Where can I drop my stuff?"

"Um, the closet I guess." Tim pointed down the hallway and Mary pranced off.

"It's Octavia, not October. She's just calling me October because she thinks its funny or something. Don't call me October." Everyone's jaws dropped, this girl, this girl had _Phil's accent._ Phil's beautiful accent, and suddenly this night just got hell of a lot worse. That's why she looks familiar, she looks like Phil. A shorter, female version, but like Phil nonetheless. And she seemed to know who every single one of us were. There's no way I'll be sleeping tonight.

Mary came back quickly and snatched two beers from the case, Shaun almost protested but I guess decided against it. Normally I'd happily get hammered, but not with her around. I don't trust her.

Octavia shook her head at the drink, claiming beer tastes like monkey piss. Mary shrugged and took a swig of hers like it was her job. If she's staying sober, I'm staying sober. There's no reason for her to know who I am specifically, just Dan Howell, her brother's tormenter.

 

* * *

The guys slowly but surely got drunk out of their minds, all of them lightweights except Tim, who was on his fifth beer and seemingly fine.

They decided they wanted to play poker, but I opted out, claiming I didn't bring any money.

"He's just really bad at poker." John laughed and leaned in towards Mary, who loved the attention from an older boy. Shaun was noticing the advances at his sister and glared at John, but John didn't seem to care.

"The worst, Howell could lose a poker game against a tree stump." They guys laughed in unison, Octavia rolled her eyes, sliding into my poker seat as I sat on the counter to watch.

"Well, good thing I'm not Howell."

"Wow wow wow, you can't play." Blake protested, slurring his words as he did so. She raised the eyebrow that she had visible at him.

"Oh, and why not?"

"Because you're..." He didn't finish his statement and Octavia took the opportunity to shuffle the cards, quite expertly too, like she'd been doing it for years. I realized now this was her revenge, or at least part of it. She'd take advantage of all these drunk idiots and make a break with all of their money.

Octavia dealt the cards at lightning speed, Mary looked at her cards in confusion.

"I don't actually know how to play." She mumbled, but no one moved to help her. Shaun and Mary's family are loaded, and Mary definitely would bet her money just so people would be impressed with her.

"So, you're that British kid's sister?" She didn't look up, I looked at Blake, confused as to why he's being nice about asking the question.

"Yes, one of them."

"One?"

"There's three girls and Phil in our family."

"I think you mean four girls." John muttered into his cards, Octavia glanced at him, I could see the gears in her head turning. She's terrifying. Phil is kind and soft and she is hard and angry, and I understand why.

"So, is your brother really gay?" Billy asked, who would have guessed he'd be the one to acknowledge the elephant in the room.

"Are you really an idiot?" I really hope all of Phil's family is like these two, because they're both brilliant.

The guys laughed and Tim choked on a pretzel.

"No need to be so defensive about it, I was just asking a question."

"Why do you need to know? You already beat him up for it."

"October! This isn't the time." Mary looked outraged at Octavia's outburst, but Octavia isn't a pushover.

"Yeah, because we don't let his kind into our school." Octavia scoffed.

"How the fuck do you know? Hm? Do you think every fucking kid in your school is straight? That's not how it works, buddy. There are more gays around then you know. Hell, by the number of you, one of you is probably gay."

"Oct-"

"Don't call me October, Mary, it's not good for your health." Everyone quietly played after that, and Octavia didn't lose her track of her goal, she won everyone's cash and no one said anything when she did. I think it may have really been the first time the Gay Group question had been posed to these guys, and I couldn't help but feel like it was aimed at me.

 

* * *

 

 

Everyone crashed sometime after midnight, and Octavia put her cash in her boot sock and slipped outside. I had been using my data on Phil's blog and I wasn't regretting it, I really needed him right now. I noticed that his bio didn't say single but it didn't say taken anymore in it, and that was heartbreaking enough.

After I saw that I decided to head out back for some air, the freezing December night would bring me back to my senses.

The back porch didn't have any lights on it, so when I heard the click of the lighter and a glow of a cigarette being burnt I jumped out of my skin.

"Christ!" I yelled, jumping so high I hit my head on the roof. Which isn't hard when you're a fucking giant.

"God, can't you all just, oh, it's you, the quiet one."

"Sorry, I just needed some air, I'll go back in if you like."

"Howell, Dan Howell, right?"

I nodded at her.

"Yeah, the quiet one, want a hit?" She passed the cigarette to me and that's when I realized it wasn't a cigarette at all, it was weed. I hadn't had weed since I was thirteen when my brother and I got high when he still lived in our house.

I took a hit, finally deciding to give in, it's too much to be sober out here.

We passed the joint around quietly, leaning against the porch railing, I was finally feeling the effects.

"Where'd you learn to play poker like that?" I asked her, trying to be friendly.

"My older sister Mia, she still lives in Manchester, she plays poker like a fucking champion. I learned everything from her." I nodded at her again. Letting silence fall over us again. I left my phone inside so I had no way of knowing what time it was, just late, and early.

As I took another hit, Octavia said, "I know who you are."

I coughed hardcore at that, almost falling to the floor. That phrase alone was almost enough to sober me up.

"Hey, I'm sharing my good weed with you, be glad. I can't find this shit around here and I'm almost out."

"What do you mean?"

"It's from Manchester-"

"What do you mean you know who I am!"

"Oh, Dan Howell. I wasn't sure but Phil showed me pictures once, he loved you a lot and I demanded to know who made him so happy."

"Um-"

"On his first day he came home sobbing and after hours of me banging on the door he finally let me in, he told me everything. About what you do, about how you can't be together. It's unfortunate, and bullshit."

"Yes, I know it's bullshit."

"They've hurt him." I nodded at her.

"Have you put your hands on him?"

"Yes."

She shook her head, throwing the rest of the joint on the ground and stomping on it.

"Then you're just as bad as them. I don't care that you're struggling, and I understand you feeling the need to save yourself, playing the long game, but you've hurt him, in ways you can't even imagine. I don't care that you're gay and you hate what you're doing, you're still doing it, understand? God, I know why Mary brought me out here, she knew you're all the ones after my brother."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't give a fuck Dan! Okay? I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck! My brother is my first priority, so go ahead, save yourself." She started to go inside but I stopped her.

"Wait, you're-you're not gonna tell anyone are you?"

She shook her head and laughed at me, "Fuck you. It's not my job to out you, you massive prick, even if you deserve it. I take it back, you're not as bad as them, you're worse than them."

 

 

 

 

  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you all feel about Dan? About Octavia?


	5. Shock Was Created

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to be able to update everyday with class and all that, but I'll try my hardest, especially on the weekends.

After our encounter I started noticing Octavia as well as Phil. I mostly started noticing her because she beat up Mary, Shaun's sister the following Wednesday in the library.

I'm not at all surprised, Mary is sort of fifty shades of terrible, but still, that probably isn't a good idea. Mary basically runs the freshman and the grades below, somehow she managed to dictate how everyone thought and acted. And Octavia knocked her ass out, and pulled out her hair extensions, which everyone thought were real.

Octavia probably thought it was the best thing to do at the time, but it just made Shaun hate Phil more, and so the guys hated Phil more. He had to take his anger out of Phil because they couldn't hurt a girl, no matter how many times they call Phil one.

 

* * *

Phil lost the understanding look in his eyes, and I expected it, he can't not hate me, he can't keep making up excuses I don't deserve.

The look wasn't replaced with hatred or anger, just emptiness, and that hurt even more. He's so bright, or he was at least. He was the reason the sun still warmed the Earth, the reason the stars gleamed down on us. Everything is so much darker now, I'm so much darker.

I don't know how Phil's parents didn't notice the marks, no one came to the school to speak with the principal, no one yelled at us for hurting him, no one cared. Instead, they laughed and jeered and slapped us on the back like we were heroes.

On Friday, Billy gave Phil an eye to match his sweet purple sweater. He wore a flower crown that day, which seemed to enrage them all even more. Blake's little sister in kindergarten wears flower crowns to school everyday, and that somehow fueled Blake's anger. I couldn't begin to understand how their simple minds worked, I just watched them work, it's a fascinating process, truly, and a bit scary also, but only to me. 

 

* * *

Two days before Christmas break, John spotted Phil and Octavia walking out of the school, it was dumb of me to assume Phil doesn't drive her home, and I suddenly wondered what happened to her the day Phil sped away so quickly.

"Hey, Fairy! Emo! Wait up!" Shaun slung his arm around Phil like they were old friends and Mike slid his arm around Octavia, who quickly pushed him off with a wrinkle of her nose. Her and Phil are so different, but I'm so glad he has her, she's so strong.

Octavia reached over and pushed Shaun's arm off Phil too, to which Shaun acted all offended.

"Hey, hey, hey, I'm not trying to start anything here, I just want to talk."

Phil started whispering to Octavia and John pushed his head in between them, separating them. Phil and Octavia turned around, Phil staring at the ground and Octavia glaring right at me.

"Whatcha talking about?"

"Nothing, dick twitch." Octavia responded, making them take a step back.

"Hey, no need to get mean."

"Mean? Mean you fucking hot dog? You rat ass little fuck truck." Octavia took a step forward towards Billy, and Billy took a step back.

"Y'know, you're really pressing your luck, little girl." John lowered his voice and took a step towards her, she stared right at him. He had almost a foot on her but she didn't look worried.

"Pressing my luck? What luck, you inbred moron?" Someone walking by snickered at her and John was fuming.

"If you aren't careful-"

"What, you'll do what? Hit me? I'd like to see you try."

"Tavy, let's just go, he's here." Phil was staring down at his phone as he grabbed Octavia's arm.

"Who's here."

"Fuck off, you fucking-"

"Tavy! Let's go!" Phil pulled her away but the guys hooked onto what Phil said and started following him.

As we walked out the door, I'm pretty sure everyone's jaws broke. There was a motorcycle, and a man on the motorcycle. As Phil approached, the man removed his helmet, revealing a head of tumbling glossy golden curls and a bored expression. The man was handsome, that's obvious, and familiar in some odd way.

"What the fuck-"

Phil quickly placed a kiss on this man's cheek, his expression didn't change as Phil put the helmet on and climbed onto the motorcycle, his arms wrapped tightly around him and they were off.

"Losers." Octavia yelled at us as she got into the back off a black car, flipping us off as she did so.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter but I'm putting up another one either after this one today or tomorrow.


	6. Fear Was Created

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lot's of terrible talking in this chapter, you've been warned.

So Phil had a boyfriend, I mean, good for him, he deserves to be happy.

That night all of the guys were on skype together, sometimes we do this but not a lot, it makes the internet really slow which pisses off their siblings.

Anyway, they were talking and I was pulling up Phil's Tumblr, as you do. I hadn't cried, which I was happy about.

Phil's Tumblr loaded and the first thing I read was a text post explaining why he hadn't posted a selfie, a lie, I guess he didn't want to tell them about the bruises. I wondered how Phil's boyfriend felt about them.

 As I scrolled down I saw an anon message,

_Omg?!? You're taken again!?! I'm so jealous???_

Phil just sent a party emoji and I almost vomited, I scrolled back up to the top, and sure enough, it said taken again. But not for me, before that message made me feel something, something deep and bright, now it gives a strange taste in my mouth and a pit in my stomach.

"Hey, Dan, did you know Sally Stevens is into you?"

"Which one is Sally Stevens?"

"The Texan with the heavy accent!"

"With the pretty hair?" Silence fell over the chat after what Blake said,

"Um, I guess? What the fuck?"

"With the red curls, I meant, yeah, she's hot."

"She's covered in freckles,"

"So?"

"I don't like freckles or anything like that, I like my women to resemble fine marble."

"Okay get the fuck outta here with that gay shit." The guys snickered at Tim and Tim shrugged, this is how these chats go, they talk about girls and trucks and hunting and that's it, there's nothing else to these guys.

"She's into you, man, probably thinking about the Valentimes day dance, I'm going with Martha." Shaun smiled, half of the guys still say "Valentimes," which makes me want to die even more.

"Moody Martha?"

"Shut up, she's hot."

"I'm going with Brenda."

"Busty Brenda?" The guys are really good at alliteration, I stared at Phil's Tumblr photos again, I wondered if he'd take his boyfriend.

"What do you think about Sally?" I haven't had a girlfriend since eighth grade, which isn't so bad, I'm doing better than Mike, whose last girlfriend was in seventh.

I shrugged, "She's alright."

There's nothing wrong with Sally, she's like every other girl at our school, except she has terribly white skin and fire-red hair and freckles all over. She has a thick southern accent because she moved here in seventh grade. Every Friday she brings in fudge that she makes, which is enough to get everyone to like her.

"I don't know, she's a little flat-chested." Billy commented rudely.

"But that ass," I responded, trying to sound normal.

"You right."

My phone dinged right then,

_You have one new message request._

Damn Facebook, all the guys were looking at me like they all personally wanted something from me.

"Girl?"

"Uh, no, it's just Trevor." I responded, but it wasn't Trevor.

_One new message request from Octavia Lester._

 

**Octavia: Do these look familiar?**

 

"Hey, oh my god! I finally realized who that guy the queer got on the motorcycle with was!"

"What?"

"Grady! Grady Geer!"

I couldn't focus on that, because the following attached imagines were enough to completely ruin the rest of my life. God, I'm such an idiot.

The first time Phil and I ever...got off on FaceTime, he asked me for nudes the next day, which I sent to him graciously.

The first couple...were fine...as in my face wasn't in them. But the fifth one...fuck. He asked for something specific and I was happy to comply.

My hands never moved faster as I replied.

 

**Me: Where the hell did you get these?**

**Octavia: I stole Phil's phone and sent them to myself, it's so like him to be sentimental.**

 

I felt sick to my stomach again.

"Dan? You look-" I quickly grabbed the trash can next to me and vomited my dinner into it, the guys groaned over chat but I couldn't stop. My phone lay forgotten at my side. Why did I send those? Why am I such an idiot? 

**Octavia: I used to be called Karma.**

**Me: Why are you doing this?**

**Octavia: I'm not doing anything**

**Octavia: Yet.**

**Octavia: I just want you to know I have them.**

**Me: Why?**

**Octavia: Do you feel scared, Dan? Terrified even? That everything you've ever built could be broken at any moment, that I have you in my grasp?**

**Me: Phil wouldn't want this**

**Octavia: Phil doesn't control me, no one does, I control them. You wronged the wrong family, Howell. Don't worry, you aren't the only one who will get what's coming to them. You all have a lot of bad karma built up, it's judgement day.**

**Me: What if I tell him?**

**Octavia: I told you before, he doesn't control me. It's not just about him, it's about everyone you've hurt, about everyone you've all hurt.**

 

"Are you done being sick?" I shook my head at them and ran to the bathroom, and I didn't have to fake vomiting noises.

 

**Octavia: It's not my job to out you, I know that, but its my job to ruin you.**

**Me: Please, don't release those.**

**Octavia: How scared do you feel, Dan? Do you feel like your life is ending, that your world is caving in around you?**

**Octavia: Think about how everyday you make Phil feel that way, like he's completely powerless, like he's nothing. I want you to feel like him.**

**Octavia: But don't worry, Dan.**

**Octavia: I'll save the best for last.**

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I have a plot for this, give it time, it's there.


	7. Friends Were Created

Nobody seemed unusually off the following day, and the day before Christmas break the guys were more joyous than usual, but no one acted like they were being threatened or blackmailed, so that made it easier to breathe. I didn't understand, but I also did. If someone were continuously beating my brother up I suppose I'd ruin them, but she's smarter than that. She won't get caught, the brilliant ones never do.

Breathing still wasn't easy to do, seeing as how we were making it hard on Phil to breath. On the twenty-third, the day before break, he wore a bright yellow sweater and light blue cuffed skinny jeans. He seemed to have unlimited number of sweaters, and he didn't seem to care how unseasonal they were.

Mike was wearing a t-shirt that said "I'm not Santa but you can sit on my lap," because he's so charming.

Every time an "ugly" girl walked by them they yelled "ho ho ho." Because they didn't need a chance with them and they get off on being assholes. They made at least two girls cry. Well, I say they, I had a hand.

I saw Phil out of the corner of my eye, standing in the doorway to a freshman science classroom, watching us taunt them. He's probably waiting for safe passage, and if he kept creeping like that he would  _become_ the passage.

It was beginning to sleet outside, because Pennsylvania is a weather trash can and won't let it snow on Christmas. Even if it's cheesy, I'd like to see it at least once.

We stood by Mike's truck, the guys pretended to be immune to the weather as they gossiped about some girl I didn't know, wishing they'd use their fucking heads for once and find shelter in the weather.

I glanced down and noticed how split up and bloody John's hands were, he always went harder than the other guys, hit harder, insulted more, he's sadistic, disgusting, and I can truly say he is worse than I am.

Our catty banter was cut off by the roar of a motorcycle, and then Phil was standing by the curb as his boyfriend came to save him, his knight in shining armor, his superhero. I tried not to feel sick.

"Hey guys! Grady Geer!" David exclaimed, grinning like a lunatic and sprinting to catch up with...oh.

"Yo! Wait up man!" Then all the guys were running over there, Phil was in the process of putting his helmet on while wearing his flower crown, I watched as his eyes widened. Grady Geer, yes, I remember him.

In about eighth grade we had another gang member, Grady, Grady the lady's man, Granite Grady, he was the best middle school wrestler the school has ever seen. Then, in eighth grade, he announced his mom was going to home school him and his little brothers, and then poof, no more Grady.

Grady had more girlfriends in a week than I had my entire life, and now he stole my boyfriend.

Wow.

Okay, that's not fair, not fair at all, but it sure seems that way.

"Granite Grady!" David greeted, throwing his hand out to do that weird bro shake thing, which Grady did happily. Phil had his helmet on and he was quietly sitting on the back of the motorcycle, probably hoping to avoid conflict before being safe for two weeks.

"Davy! How you been, man?"

"Not bad, not bad." David said back, still grinning, he didn't seem to mind our old pal was dating our punching bag, but John was fuming. 

I saw Phil poke Grady in his side. Grady's smile fell as he glanced back at the sun behind him, before ignoring him and smiling back at us. I guess Phil must not have told him.

Grady looked so different, much taller, probably my height actually. His once awkwardly cut blonde hair was long done and replaced with shaggy golden curls, his face evened out, and now resembled an intricately carved statue. I remember his eyes being a light brown color, but now they looked green and I decided I couldn't trust my memory anymore.

"Shaun, Mike, Dan, John, Billy, Blake, Timmy! Al." Grady greeted us all, each giving us a moments eye contact. John was a ticking time bomb beside me as David, Al, and Grady were laughing about some hockey game I didn't watch.

"Are you all fucking kidding me?" John finally burst, I was standing closest to Phil and I could almost feel him tense up. I never had the urge to touch someone more.

"What's your problem, Johnny boy?" Grady asked, smirking as he pulled a cigarette out of the pocket of his denim jacket that just cannot be warm enough.

"What's my problem? WHAT'S MY PROBLEM? YOU'RE FUCKING THE FAIRY."

"Ugh, you're still on that? I was hoping aging would've made you more mature, Johnny boy."

"Don't call me that! What the hell happened to you?" John looked hurt, like Grady stole his girlfriend, I didn't understand John, I probably never would.

"I don't know, guess I kind of liked wings more than horns." Grady paused to light the cigarette and glanced back at Phil, "He is kind of a fairy, isn't he?" He laughed and roared his engine to life before speeding gracefully around the parked cars.

"I hate that guy." I accidently muttered aloud.

"I know, Dan. It seems like you're the only one on the right side." John shook his head and spit as the ground as he turned and walked to his truck.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Winter break in the story, get ready for some horrible family time.


	8. Disgust Was Created

On Christmas Eve mom drug all of us to church. Any other Sunday they wouldn't bother, but it's Jesus's birthday so we're suddenly saints.

Trevor kept a flask in his coat pocket and swapped it around with dad.

Shaun and Tim's family also belonged to this church, and they saw me and scowled harder, neither very pleased their parents made them dress up.

Halfway through the service Trevor offered me the flask, which I gratefully accepted. It tasted like hot garbage, but it made the annoying pastor quieter. Trevor was looking at me sympathetically and I didn't know why. I never really knew why with Trevor, we were never that close. I looked at him carefully.

Moving out changed him a lot, he's gotten bigger, stronger, and has grown a beard thicker than my dad's, which I always thought was impossible. Under his awkwardly cut hair and facial hair was Trevor, the same Trevor I remember from when I was a kid. He was like me in high school, only he wasn't faking it. Sometime during our time apart, I grew taller than him, than everyone.

* * *

 

Between the three of us we emptied the flask by the end of the service, and dad was hammered. The thing about him is he drinks everyday, has frequent trips to the bar, practically lives at the liquor store, and yet he's the biggest lightweight on the face of the Earth.

Just as we made it out the door, practically holding my dad up, and excited women stopped my mom.

"Mary! Mary, wait up!" A women with short-cut blonde hair grabbed my mom and spun her around, effectively turning us all around with her.

"Martha? Martha Greene? It's so nice to see you." Mom was trying to add the same enthusiasm to her voice that the women had, but mom wasn't a good actress.

"Oh my god! Are these your boys? Dan, what are you now, eighteen?"

"Sixteen." I responded awkwardly, dad wasn't interested at all at this exchange and left to get in the driver's side of the car.

"No! And is that Trevor?"

"Yes ma'am." Trevor responded.

"Oh my god, they grow up so fast." It was beginning to flurry outside and I thought maybe by some miracle we'd have a white Christmas.

"How's...how is Chris?" Mom said through a gritted smile, Martha Greene didn't seem to notice. That's when I realized who she actually was, Martha Greene, Chris Greene's mother.

Chris Greene was bullied more than anyone, truly a legend target, he had both of his arms broken and it was rumored it was my brother who broke them. His junior year of high school he dropped out, and no one knew what happened to him.

"He's wonderful! On Broadway now, acting. He's here, hold on...Chris! Terry! Come here." Did I mention why he was so tormented?

Chris Greene had a glow up, his blonde hair was cut short and styled neatly, his evened out now too, he had muscles, and he was smiling.

Chris pulled who I assume to be Terry behind him, holding the boy's hand so hard his knuckles were white. I can't imagine this easy for him. Trevor wouldn't look at him.

"Hey, Mrs. Howell. Nice to see you." Terry squeezed Chris's hand and Chris took a breath.

"This is Chris's boyfriend, Terry." Terry smiled at us and waved with his free hand. He had cute dimples on the right side of his cheek. I saw something else in Martha Greene's eyes right then, she was daring us to say something. It stopped snowing.

We all said hello politely but mom looked visibly sick. I guess that's The Greene Effect.

Because their last name is Greene.

I live on making myself laugh.

 

After that mom ended the flow of conversation and pulled us to the truck, dad had the heat on and was half asleep in his seat. Mom didn't seem to care that he was plastered and slid into the passenger seat.

"Dad, c'mon, let me drive." Trevor look tired too, I think I was the only one who wasn't even buzzed.

"No, let me drive. I had less than all of you." I said, having to look up because the truck is jacked more than Chris Greene.

"Yeah, let Dan drive."

"No!" He grumbled, trying to slam the door but Trevor caught it.

"Yes, dad, c'mon."

"No! Get in or walk!"

"Dad!"

"Fuck off." Dad started to drive away and Trevor and I had to jump onto the step down bar and climb in as he turned onto the main road. Mom didn't seem to notice.

"God, Charlie, did you see that? She brought her...her...abomination to church!"

"What?"

"Martha Greene's queer son, and his _boyfriend."_ Mom sneered, shaking her head and looking out the window as Dad swerved down the back roads.

"I didn't know she had a queer son."

"Yeah, well, that's why he dropped out, he was such a crybaby and couldn't take people doing the right thing." Trevor's fists were clenched and he was breathing deeply, maybe there's more to him than I know.

"He didn't even do anything to hide it, he was flaunting it! What the fuck."

"What a waste." Dad mumbled, he was clearly trying to keep his eyes open as he swerved down on the country roads on Christmas Eve.

 

 


	9. Questions Were Created

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's k.

Dad passed out as soon as we got home. Mom went soon with him, still shaking her head at the display outside the church.

_What a waste..._

 

Trevor was seated at the kitchen table, drinking cheap whiskey out of the bottle, he didn't look up when I came in.

"Mom's been asking about my girlfriend."

"You have a girlfriend?"

"Yes." Trevor said, taking another huge swig of the disgusting liquor. I sat down across from him, snatched the bottle and did the same. I almost threw it up, it's by far the trashiest tasting alcohol out there, but it was here.

"Oh." Silence. Trevor and I never really talk, we were never close. When I was a little kid he'd throw me out of his room. We'd push each other around because we could get away with it.

 

" _Boys will be boys..."_ Mom would say, shaking her head fondly.

 

"They just wouldn't approve of her."

"Why not?" I felt like I was overstepping my boundaries a little, it seems like a personal thing.

"She's...she's different." His beard moved so I knew he was smiling. I took another drink. I nodded at him.

"It's different...in college. It's way different. You open up more. There's a bigger world outside of this two-stop-light town, Danny." I cringed.

"I know."

"You, you know?" I nodded at him, in a way, it felt like a coming out. Maybe it was just finally opening up.

"She's so great, Dan. She's bisexual and not ashamed of it, she's also a feminist and doesn't hide it. She's a strong person, lovely really. They would hate her."

"I don't think I've ever heard you say the word lovely before." He laughed,

"Shut up, it's not like your vocabulary is that extensive."

"Two big words there, be careful, I think you used up your limit for the year." He laughed at me, it was genuine and not at anyone's expense. It was nice.

Silence fell over us, I could hear the old clock in the living room ticking loudly.

"You said you know." He broke the silence.

"I did."

"I didn't."

"You do now."

 

* * *

 

 

On Christmas day my aunt's and uncles and younger cousins came over. All younger except for one. Shelly, my mom's brother's daughter, brought her husband and their new baby girl.

Shelly was the controversy of the family because two years ago she married a black man. Her husband, Emmet, is truly a nice man and he seems like a good husband. Shelly's parents got over it fast. Mom didn't.

As soon as Shelly walked in with Emmet and a pink baby carrier thing, mom shook her head and went into the kitchen. I prayed no one noticed.

"This is Anna." Shelly smiled at everyone as she lifted the blanket revealing a sleeping baby girl.

 

As everyone began speaking I took up residence in the corner, because if I went to my room my mother would hit me with the ham.

I went to Phil's Tumblr almost automatically these days, scrolling through the sea of sweet posts. His most recent post said,

_To everyone who doesn't have anyone on this day, you have me, we can talk._

I almost thought about messaging him through my different account, but I thought better of it, knowing it would just hurt me to hear his kind words.

"Dan," Shelly whispered sliding next to me quickly. I couldn't lock my phone quick enough, and I was almost certain she saw me staring at Phil's selfies. Her eyes lingered on my phone, but she seemed to decide against asking. I felt sick.

"What's the wifi password? If I have to listen to Aunt Lydia complain about her gardener one more time I'm going to leave and never come back."

I laughed, "You might want to think about it anyway, it looks like Grandma is swooping in on your baby."

"Shit." Shelly ran off to politely pull her baby away. Grandma will do anything to hold a baby, she loves them so much. Everyone in her life is trash when there is a baby.

 

 

At dinner I picked around at my food, not very hungry and not hungry enough to eat my mom's food. Everyone was politely chattering away about this or that, not straying from the controversial topics.

"Did you hear about..."

"Did you know..."

"May Lineman's daughter..."

It was all dizzying and frankly overwhelming, and I left the table the first chance I got.

 

* * *

 

About an hour later we were waving goodbye to our final guests, Shelly and Trevor's eyes lingered on each other for a moment, like they were having a conversation. They are about the same age and always were closer than Trevor was with me. I was jealous when I was a kid.

Mom left to clean up the kitchen as dad spewed insults at the football game on the TV. Business as usual.

I sat in my room later and put my earbuds in in hopes I wouldn't hear my dad yelling at the TV. They hardly helped.

Suddenly, my bedroom door opened and Trevor appeared, looking like he was saying something.

"Hey." He mumbled as I took my earbuds out and locked my phone.

"Hi, what's up."

"Um, nothing, just...nothing." He sat on my bed.

"It's something though."

"No, it's...it's just something Shelly said." My heart was pounding in my ears, I felt sick. I kept quiet.

"Um...she said you were...and I...she said she didn't want to ask mom because..." He was brushing his hair down, a nervous habit of his I hadn't seen in a while.

"Don't ask." I muttered.

"What?" He looked stunned that I managed to say anything.

"Leave it alone." I saw him nod at me before I rolled over, I didn't want to cry in front of him.

"You look skinner, Dan."

I put my earbuds back in and eventually he took the hint.

 

 

 

 


	10. Damage Was Created

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow two in one day who is this person????????

On New Years Eve we all went to Al's dad's apartment because he was spending the holiday's with his wife's family in Florida. Al didn't seem all that upset about it.

"Don't touch his wine or his vodka, he'll notice. He won't notice the whiskey or beer though." Al told us excitedly as he cracked open a beer and plopped on the couch.

Soon, all the guys had a buzz going and were laughing at everything. David and Billy were wrestling on the floor, it was originally over a bag of chips, but the chips were eaten by Blake as they fought, and they were still going.

Occasionally, Tim would glance down at his phone with a worried expression, but he'd cover it up quickly. He seemed to be drinking the most out of all of us.

Al put on the New Year's Eve celebration in Times Square thing.

"Yo, you won't believe what Rita Fisher is saying now." John said, effectively gaining all of our attention. Tim looked terrified.

"What?"

"She told Amanda Baker that she is getting a court order thing to prove Tim is the father."

"WHAT," Tim yelled jumping up dramatically. I found Al's dad's boxed wine and filled my beer can with it. Fuck it, I'm so ready to leave this year in the dust.

"Yeah."

"I think she's full of shit."

"I don't know, she's broke and has wanted child support since that kid was born."

"Child support?!" Tim ran his hands through his hair and looked around wildly. His phone dinged and he looked at it briefly before throwing it hard onto the couch. It would've broke if it hit anything else.

"I heard Nancy Elliot is pregnant."

"WHAT!" Nancy Elliot is Shaun's infamous fuck buddy.

"God guys, keep it in your pants." I mumbled, taking a sip of my wine.

"Please, Howell. At least we can get it." Al thrust his hips and I never felt more straight in my life.

"Yeah, when was the last time you got any pussy."

"You know when." It was never, but they didn't know that. I'm technically a virgin, but they don't need to know that I'd rather lose my virginity with a dick in me than my dick in someone.

"Sad, man. That's sad." I shook my head at them and drained my wine.

 

"Oh, hey, they are counting down." Al started counting down along with them and Blake threw an empty beer can at his head.

"Shut it, loser."

_Ten..._

_Nine..._

Tim's phone beeped, we all looked at him,

_Six..._

_Seven..._

Shaun's phone beeped,

_Three..._

_Two..._

My phone beeped

_**1 unknown text:** _

_**Unknown: Down falls the first tower.** _

 

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Everyone on tv was heavily making out, they guys just cheered drunkenly.

All at once our phone's started going off, mostly Tim's.

 

"Guys?"

"Shit, Tim!"

"Go to Rita's Facebook."

 

_**Rita Fisher 1/1/17** _

_**Thanks to an unknown hero, I got the proof I needed to prove that Tim Connor is the father of my daughter Quinn. I was told to make this post on New Years Day. See you in Court, dad** _

Tim had his head in his hands, he may have been crying. All the guys stood around awkwardly.

 

_Down goes the first tower._

 

 

 


	11. Awkwardness Was Created

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like I had to post a chapter because I'm going away all weekend and weekdays are crazy as it is.

Tim wasn't the only one Octavia managed to take down over break, she also brought down Mike, in perhaps the cruelest way possible.

She found out he was adopted, and she told everyone, anonymously, of course.

The guys don't seem to think someone is targeting them, they just think it's two unfortunate situations.

No one heard from Tim.

The day back from Christmas break I felt on edge all day. Sort of like I was walking around without my skin on. I guess that's how Phil must feel. That is why she is doing this. It made it hard to hate her.

The guys were their usual rowdy selves all day, except Tim, who didn't show up. Mike was quieter, but he wasn't silent. I sort of pitied him, but I would do anything in my power to be in his position. Trevor has texted me awkwardly a few times, it's getting unbearable.

**Trevor: Hey, want to go to a party this weekend? My buddy Sausage is throwing it his little brother is going he's about your age**

**Trevor: Don't ask why his name is sausage**

**Trevor: His brother seems cool I mean he's hella smart but other than that he seems nice**

**Trevor: You should come**

 

I didn't answer, I _couldn't_ answer. My own brother is trying to set me up with some guy called Sausage's brother. What would I even expect? Why did he assume I'm gay? I could've just been like...looking at Phil's selfies for...aesthetic purposes. He doesn't have a right to make assumptions.

 

I was a slug by Biology, and that's never a good idea in Mr. Dick's class. He likes to hide under desks and scare students. He's a fucking menace. We're all tired, can't he accept that?

As I walked into class, pulling my lanky body and ten pounds of books, I felt ready to collapse. I was about to cave in on myself. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket and I thought that if it was one more of Trevor's awkward texts I was going to fall over.

Mr. D suddenly jumped in front of me, jumping and putting me in a headlock. He has to jump because I'm as tall as a fucking building. He started ruffling my hair and I just stood there. John laughed and so did some other kids. Mr. D means it all in good fun but I was at my wits end. I wouldn't make it through the day.

He released me, beaming as he did so, I just threw a quick grin at him and made my way to my desk.

"Aw, come on, pansy, it was just a joke! What? Did I mess up your hair?" He pouted and ran a hand over his short blonde hair. He has more hair on his face than his head. I think he was just jealous that he hardly had hair.

"Actually, yes." I saw Phil hide a quick smile, my mood spiked. I've never seen him smile in real time before.

"Sorry, I didn't know you were a girl, I won't next time. Alright! Yesterday-" I stopped listening there, his comments are revolting, but I had to put on a face for John, who was still laughing at me.

Phil's smile had disappeared so I had to place a fake one on myself.

 

Halfway through the lesson, John started flicking little pieces of paper onto Phil's desk and he start spitting on Phil's shoes. He tried to get my attention to follow his actions, but I pretended like I couldn't see him and focused on Mr. D's riveting lesson. As soon as the bell rang, Phil grabbed his things and bolted, trying to get a head start. It's never a good idea, it just drags attention to yourself. John watched as Phil ran hungrily, like it was a primal instinct to hunt him down.

"Come on, Dan!" John started sprinting after him, and I followed.

* * *

By the time I got home that night, my knuckles were split and my mood was down and I just wanted to go to bed. There was one thing in my way.

"Hey." Trevor greeted, smiling and holding up a McDonalds bag. "I brought you a McDouble."

"I want McKillMyself," I mumbled as I tried to pass him. I just wanted rest.

"I texted you," He responded, sliding in front of me swiftly.

"I was busy." My tone was cold and annoyed and I prayed he would take the hint.

"Come on, Dan, talk to me! Eat with me. Mom told me to tell you there is mac and cheese in the fridge, but this is better!"

"Trevor-"

"Also, come to the party with me Friday."

"What, no-"

"Yes! I want you to meet my girlfriend, and it'll be fun. You'll meet some people, better people than in high school." I stared at him, and my wire snapped. I have had enough. All fucking day and I've been feeling like shit. I'm a sitting duck with Octavia, my friends are assholes, Mr. Dick makes offensive jokes, and I have to beat on my boyfriend-my ex boyfriend. It's been building up for too long. I'm an overfilling glass. I'm the flaw in the vase.

"People? Yeah, what kind of people would that be?" I practically yelled. I was shrill and angry, crossing my arms and tapping my foot. Trevor looked taken aback by my outburst. My stomach rumbled but I felt nauseous.

"Just-just nice people, Sausage's brother-"

"Why do you want me to meet him?"

"I just-"

"Just say it, Trevor, just say it."

"Shelly said-"

"Don't tell me what Shelly said, tell me what you _know."_

"I-I don't know anything..."

"EXACTLY! So don't make assumptions!"

"Dan, it's-" Just like that the glass shattered, the faucet was turned off.

"I've had a long day, I'm too tired. I'm going to bed."

"Your pants are too big."

"Goodnight." I heard him sigh but I didn't turn around. My backpack was the only thing grounding me at that point, and as soon as I took it off, I crumbled.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah


	12. Attraction Was Created

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter, lazy writer. Forgive me for any errors.

By the end of the week Al and Billy were down. Neither of their secrets were particularly surprising. Billy's mom was had cheated on her husband for years with her assistant, so I guess Octavia ruined a marriage. Al happens to be into BDSM, which seemed to distract Billy from his home issues.

I couldn't help but notice how little of us there were left. The guys started to realize what was happening, but to keep up appearances they acted tough, I could see David was petrified though.

_I'll save the best for last._

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

Trevor was waiting for me on the front porch when I got there that day. I almost pushed him off of it. 

Instead, I pushed passed him, slamming the screen door hard. It was warmer that day and mom had the door open. It reminded me of when Trevor and I were kids in the summer, slamming the screen door on each other while we were chasing each other. One day, he caught my tiny pudgy hands in it, and there was no more running in the house. There wasn't much running anymore at that point anyway.

"Come on, man. Don't be like that. I told Carrie you would come, she wants to meet you."

I ignored him. Mom was in the kitchen in her scrubs, her brown hair was pulled up and streaked with grey. Aging is an inescapable force. The blue eyeshadow showed she was trying to escape it. I almost told her not to run in the house.

"Carrie?" She asked, clearly exhausted. She's had to work twice as much since dad got laid off, a year ago. Trevor closed his mouth, looking at me for help. I didn't look at him. I know he didn't want to tell them about her, not yet anyway.

"Yeah, there's this girl that I want Dan to meet, but he won't come with me." I glared at him, when did he become so quick witted? 

"What is it? A party?" Dad asked, suddenly appearing in the small kitchen doorway. My dad and I were both taller than Trevor. I wonder if he felt bad that is little brother is bigger than him.

"Yes, dad, a college party." Trevor smiled smugly. Dad grinned, Trevor was playing right into his hands. Dad is a firm believer that guys should be "getting around" by fifteen. I guess he's glad Trevor is helping me out. I never talked to dad about fucking girls before, so he probably assumes I'm not doing it. 

"I think that's a great idea."

"Charlie-" Mom started, clearly apprehensive. She's not at all a good person, but she is somewhat a better parent than Charlie. I suddenly why I still called Charlie "dad."

 

* * *

 

In no time at all, I was in Trevor's girlfriend's apartment, and I was officially in way over my head.

"God, he dresses like _them."_ She ruffled her nose at my clothes, "Sorry, honey. I have some things for you to wear." I stared at her outfit. She was wearing a short purple dress and black pumps, I was suddenly afraid. Phil wouldn't be afraid, I thought, he'd probably happily wear a dress. Make up too, which he has more than once. Looking perfect every time.

"Relax, honey, I've got it." Carrie had short black hair cut in what my mom would call a "dyke haircut," maybe that's why Trevor is reluctant to bring her home.

Carrie threw and handful of black items at me and pointed towards the bathroom.

"Look, I really didn't even want-"

"Hush, get changed." Trevor was looking at her with the grossest expression, so I did as I was told and went to change.

 

The outfit was black skinny jeans, a black t-shirt, and a leather jacket. Like the guys online. I looked like one of them. Except I didn't, I looked awkward and uncomfortable, so out of my element.

I stared at myself in the mirror, a scared boy stared back. I looked so much older. I still felt like I was thirteen. When did I grow up? _Why_ did I grow up? Who gets anything out of my existence besides pain and misery?

"Everything alright?"

"Uh-yeah!" I called back, turning back to the mirror. I ruffled my hair a bit before deciding this was as good as it was going to get.

I put my hand on the door knob and looked down, noticing something on Carrie's sink.

Eyeliner? I picked it up, my heart started racing. Phil looks so good in eyeliner. He looks so intense, his beauty really hits you all at once, like a train.

I wondered if I would look like that?

"Come on, then, we gotta go!" Trevor banged on the door, panicking, I shoved the pencil in my jean pocket and opened the door.

Carrie and Trevor gasped at me. 

"I knew you'd look great! Black is really your color!" I didn't ask why she had random men's clothes around. Trevor didn't seem all that bothered.

"Shoes." She smiled, handing me black shoes. "No one is going to be able to keep their eyes off you." My heart sank. I wished I could just hide in a corner.

* * *

 

 

Trevor and Carrie appeared to be a power couple of sorts, they talked to several people like they were old friends, having to shout over the music. I quickly excused myself and found a nice quiet corner in the building where the party hadn't bled to yet.

The floor was weirdly sticky to my shoes, so I just leaned against the wall and people-watched. Out of my element is an understatement. I'm not even on the periodic table.

**Trevor: Where'd you go?**

**Me: I'm around.**

**Trevor: come to the kitchen**

 

I sighed and made my way back into the fray, having nothing else to do. Carrie was right, people were staring, and it was off-putting. I felt like they could smell the high school on me.

I didn't exactly find the kitchen, some girl was rushing to get a drink and pushed me into the kitchen.

"Ooops, sorry, heyyy." She grinned drunkenly at me, before her friend dragging her off.

"Dan, hey, this is my bro Sausage." Bro?

"Bro?" Carrie laughed mockingly.

"Yeah, what?"

"You're ridiculous." She giggled and he quickly pulled her towards him. He kissed her cheeks and she giggled more. I felt sick.

"Yeah, okay, you're both gross." Sausage said. He was a tall skinny guy with wild dirty blonde hair on his head. He had drum sticks hanging out of his pocket. I had no idea where the name Sausage came from. "This is my half-brother Luis." Sausage looked to the right of him and sighed.

"Luis," Sausage pulled a short kid from behind him. He was somehow hiding behind Sausage's thin frame, but this kid was quite small too.

"Hi," Luis said, glancing at my face but quickly deciding against it.

"Hey," I responded, half angry that this was happening.

"Guys, Caramel is here! Let's go!" Sausage grabbed Trevor and Carrie and sprinted as best they could out of this kitchen.

Luis was wearing a navy t-shirt and blue jeans that complimented his dark complexion. He appeared to be going to great lengths not to look terrified, which almost made me laugh. I was feeling about the same as he was. Maybe I'd have something in common with him too.

"How old are you? What are you doing at a college party?"

"Sixteen, and you're not that much older." Luis tossed back. I laughed at him, grabbing a cup off the counter, desperately needing a drink. What a weird night.

"No, not much."

 

* * *

Luis and I ended up shoved in a pantry, sharing a bottle of red wine and making fun of everyone who came into the kitchen, because they couldn't see us and we could. No one looked in the pantry.

It was walk-in, so we were seated on the floor, passing the bottle between us. We had to both sit the long way because our legs were too long to sit any other way, despite Luis's small body. We were pretty pressed up against each other and that was taking up all of my attention. Because I was drunk and at a frat party with a cute boy pressed up against me. He's black, and he's a boy, my parents would have a meltdown.

We were giggling, but I don't remember why.

"Oh my god, I can't believe I'm here." I laughed as he took another swig of the wine.

"Same here, doll face." I've been flirting with him. Effects of being human? Effects of being drunk? Effects of being a teenager?

"No, I mean, my brother said there was some guy he wanted me to meet, and I was extremely reluctant. I just came out like last week. And then this boy walked in, and everyone was staring at him, saying he was the hottest guy at the party, and now he's sitting with me."

"Mmm, and what do you think?" I asked, smirking sideways at him, watching his eyes go wide. I love that I had that effect on him.

"About what?" He whispered.

"Do you think I'm the hottest guy at the party?"

"Easily." He mumbled without hesitation, but it didn't matter, we were staring at each other. There were centimeters between us, the air was hot, everything was hot. Too hot. My stomach churned, and then he was leaning forward, and something inside me that I couldn't control pushed me into him.

And then he was under me and we were kissing hard and hot and my heartbeat was in my ears, this was the first time I kissed a boy. Was I doing okay?

I bit down a bit on his bottom lip, and he whined into my mouth, fisting his hands in my shirt. _Holy shit.  
_

 

"Holy shit." I heard, and then laughter. I scrambled off him, he got up quickly too. Trevor and Carrie were standing there. Trevor looked surprised and Carrie looked drunk.

"First impressions?" Luis mumbled, looking at me.

"You make a good one. But we gotta go."

"You're going to Cinderella me," He mumbled as I scrambled up. I didn't have anything clever to say back, so I just left.

 

It was nice, but it wasn't everything. There was a pit in my stomach and something in my head told me I'll never have everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this was all over the place, was it?


	13. Headaches Were Created

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The original got deleted. I mourn its loss like you wouldn't believe.

Trevor drove me straight home after because I threw a fit about not wanting to sleep on Carrie's couch.

Trevor seemed to be the most sober out of us all, so he drove. We had all the windows down because it was so fucking hot, despite it being January. Carrie sat in the back seat for some reason.

Trevor's eyes were locked on the road and his grip was tight. I still wore Carrie's clothes and I put my legs on the dashboard in an attempt to get comfortable in Carrie's little car. I contemplated hanging them out the window. Cars were not built for people of my build.

"Carrie, is now really the time?" Trevor asked through gritted teeth while staring at the rearview mirror. Carrie just hummed as I cranked my neck in an uncomfortable manner to see what was so bad. We were speeding down a country road outside a college town on a Friday night (Saturday morning?) and Carrie was rolling a joint. The place was littered with cops.

"Come on, if we get pulled over we're fucked. It's bad enough he's sixteen and wasted." When did Trevor turn into such a parent?

Carrie giggled and I turned around again to see her laying back on the seat, blowing smoke at the roof of the car.

"Damn deer!" Trevor shouted as he jerked the wheel. A loud thump resonated throughout the car, followed by giggling. Carrie was laying on the floor, continuing her work of blowing smoke.

"It's freezing." Trevor mumbled as he rolled up the front two windows, probably leaving hers down to air out the back.

"Carrie, come on, off the floor. Put your seat belt on." Carrie giggled and clamored back onto the seat. Her dress had ridden up quite a bit but she didn't seem to mind.

"Yes dad."

My face grew hot, but then again, it had been hot all night. Tonight's events were going to make tomorrows conversations especially interesting. I let myself enjoy the moment, for a moment, for a quick fleeting memory of peace as I swam through the haziness of drunk and got second-hand high of Carrie's smoke.

 

* * *

 I woke up the following Saturday with a pounding headache and flashes of memories.

There was a sticky note to my forehead.

 

**Keep the clothes, they look better on you. For your troubles. -Carrie**

There was a small baggie with weed in it attached to the note, which I quickly shoved under my pillow. I wondered what troubles Carrie was referring to.

I was still dressed in last night clothes, so I changed quickly and shoved them under my bed. They smelled like alcohol and weed and something else vaguely familiar, I didn't think to much of it, quickly replacing them with a grey t-shirt and camo pj bottoms.

 

The troubles were apparently waiting for me in the kitchen. Dad was reading the newspaper and sipping coffee, he looked smug as I entered the kitchen, just wanting some Advil. Or maybe the whole bottle.

"Daniel." His voice was very dad-like which was unlike him, he set down his coffee mug and newspaper for effect. My troubles, apparently. I silently thanked Carrie. "Sit," I sat. My heartbeat was in my head, I'd never been so hungover before.

"Your mother is upset with you." I nodded at him,

"Tell me about the party? Did you fuck that girl?"

"What?" I asked, trying to sound surprised. I'm not very good at hiding being hungover.

"The girl Trevor wanted you to meet."

"Oh, no, we just...made out." Dad nodded at me, clearly expecting more details. I think this is the most we've said to each other since the new year began.

"Yeah, what was she like?" I suddenly flashed back to last night, remembering an adorable boy under me.

"Nice, drunk, but nice."

"Drunk girls usually want more than to make out." I shrugged at him and got up.

"Alright, I'm proud of you son, I thought you'd be a virgin forever." My cheeks flared. "Don't be such a pussy."

I turned around and started rifling through the cabinets, "No pills for you, take the hangover like a man. If you can put it down you can handle its effects, even if Trevor practically drug you in here last night."

I went to my room and lit up, it's for medical purposes, I swear.

 


	14. Sickness Was Created

By mid February, only Blake's secret was revealed, he's a drug addict. At first, the guys made jokes about it like,

"Yo, why didn't you include me?"

And, "I want in!" But quickly the entire school knew, and we were being stared at in the halls, making the guys beat on more people. People had been staring at us in the halls a lot by then. Octavia just looked smug. I thought about what she had over me, and how only John and David were left.

Soon enough, the news of Blake's addiction got to the principal's office, and they couldn't just let it go. His mother showed up, and then Blake was whisked away to rehab. In a way, Octavia helped him, which I know is not what she meant to do. Our group just isn't that scandalous.

Tim had to get a second job on the weekends and began paying Rita Fisher child support, he bitched and grumbled the whole time, but I know he was seeing his daughter secretly whenever he could.

Mid-march came and it was quiet. Part of me hoped Octavia just gave up completely, but I knew better. She was dragging it out, dragging me out. This was part of it. For breaking her brother's skin, and for breaking her brother's heart.

"Alright, project time." Mrs. Lucas, our world history teacher started. Mrs. Lucas is a thirty-year-old divorced twice women who refused to give up the title "Mrs." Her hair was chopped to her shoulders severely, it almost looked like she used her nose as a guide to cut it. There's an acting theory that Mrs. Lucas is actually hot under her loose long dresses and strange shoes. I don't believe it.

"Partners," She changed the screen on the smart board over to a list of people, "Oh, I don't do groups of three because three people always ruin things..." She paused and shuddered, before pulling out an old rag and blowing her nose, "So Dan, you're on your own." I sighed, actually preferring it that way. I didn't want to work with Tim or Al, who were both in this class.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Tim practically screamed, staring at the board. Al laughed at him.

"Timothy! Not in my classroom!" She mumbled something that sounded vaguely like "men" under her breath.

"I want a different partner!"

"All pairings are final, Timothy." I looked at the board, trying to figure out what all the fuss was about. Oh right, he's in this class.

It's been seven months and it still felt like a knife in my chest every time I looked at him, every time I thought of him.

Phil sat in the very back of the classroom, and I risked a glance at him. People still haven't dropped the working theory that there is something off between us, all because he uttered my name the first day. Big bag Dan and the fairy.

 

Phil's eyes met mine suddenly and my breath hitched, neither of us looked away. I counted the seconds. It was obvious we were looking at each other. He sits the furthest away from me.

Thirteen seconds.

"Everyone is to get with there partner and I'm going to come around and you're going to pick a country out of a hat and you're going to make a brief presentation about that country. Here is your rubric, Brittney! Pass these out!" She growled at Brittney who quickly sprung into action.

Tim snatched up his folder dramatically and grumbled as he walked back towards Phil's desk. Phil didn't look at him as he approached.

I positioned myself so my back was against the wall and I was facing the classroom, just so I could watch them.

"You don't mind being on your own, right Daniel?" She shook the hat at me and I reached in, pulling out Canada. Wow, Canada, how exotic.

"No ma'am." I replied, trying my best to be polite. She smiled a gummy smile at me and moved on.

 

A few minutes later I heard Tim's voice again, "Where the fuck is Kenya?"

"Timothy! That's two warnings!" She shook her head at him before moving on, Phil almost laughed.

 

I started looking up random facts about Canada and writing them randomly in my notebook, not really paying attention to my work.

"Dan, What'd you get?" Al yelled across the room, Mrs. Lucas groaned and dramatically dropped her head on her keyboard.

I watched out the corner of my eye as Tim hit Phil upside the head and pulled on his sweater.

"Canada." I shouted back, praying I'd get thrown out. I always tried to make an effort to be liked by the teachers, but I'd rather be in Canada in this moment. And based on my ten minutes of research, Canada is not that interesting.

"Lucky, I got Thailand! Gabby says it's in Asia," I looked at his poor partner Gabby, who was copying things down from her phone.

"Oh, that's interesting!" I yelled back, already knowing where Thailand is.

"Shush! Get some work done, Mr. Thailand!"

Phil was trying to copy down things into his notebook, and Tim was busy pulling on Phil's hair. Phil knew better than retaliate at this point, which made everything even sadder.

As soon as the bell rang, I scooped up my notebook and got out of there, attempting to Focus on Canada and it's size rather than Tim yanking Phil back by his sweater every time Phil tried to walk forward. Mrs. Lucas was too busy with her face in the keyboard to notice.

Phil's eyes were red as he finally got away, everyone pushed and laughed at him as he tried to get out of there.

"I didn't even know Kenya existed." I heard Tim whisper to Al as I scurried out of there. For once in seven months, the churning in my stomach was ignored. I swallowed my pride. I'd been watching for too long. I followed Phil into the bathroom, where he was leaning against the sink with his head in his hands, he was shaking.

"Please, leave me alone." He said shakily, did he know who I was? Did that even matter? The bruises on his body were signed in my name. My legs shifted and I was about to scurry out the door like the frightened squirrel I was before he turned around.

"Oh." We hadn't spoken, it had been easier. Not a word, not a look. Today had been the longest day of eye contact in months. It was refreshing to see he was still alive, even if it was just barely.

I opened my mouth to speak but he cut me off, "We have an understanding remember? I get it, it's fine."

"It's not fine." I heard myself say, his eyes widened.

"God, it's nice to hear your voice, your normal voice." Did Phil miss me too? Even if he did, what did that mean?

"I hadn't-I'm..."

"I know." He had bruises on his wrists from us, but we hadn't beaten him hard recently. His face was clear and resembling fine marble.

"Tim is-"

"Yeah."

"Listen, I can't...we can't..."

"I think that was established when we broke things off." Phil stated bitterly.

"That's not what I meant, Tim is hurting you, he shouldn't be your partner."

"Who isn't hurting me these days." I ignored him.

"He works most weekends, he won't be able to help you, I can help you with your project. It would have to be after school but..." He stared at me, there was an understanding between us. This wasn't a project that was necessary for two people to do.

"Are you asking to hang out with me?" His tone dripped with disgust. "After everything?" My stomach sank. "I said I understand why you do what you do, but what you do is horrendous."

I felt sick, my stomach was on fire and my head was spinning. This is why I had been avoiding him. I knew he'd hate me.

"I could _never-_ wait, are you alright?" Phil looked at me up and down a moment, before I proceeded to run into a stall and puke my lunch up, and then my breakfast and everything in between. I had been fine, for the past month I had been alright. I deserved this though. The hot and heavy liquid, the tears streaming down my eyes, the pain in every inch of my body.

"Dan!" I was vaguely aware of Phil dropping down next to me throughout the entire ordeal and rubbing my back.

"I'm-fine." I gasped out as I finished, my head spinning.

"You've been hurting yourself." Phil stated plainly, I didn't look at him.

"No, no it's just food poisoning."

"No, it's not."

"Really Phil, I'm-" I couldn't finish my sentence, I couldn't lie a second longer. The words "I'm fine," became as easy to use as yes and no, and it just wasn't true. Nothing about what I've been doing has been fine. I deserve everything, every obstacle life throws my way. I'm no better than the vomit in the toilet. I was crying, and he was next to me, rubbing circles on the shoulder his hand reached with his arm wrapped around me.

"We aren't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No shade on anyone from Canada, I'm sure it's lovey there.


	15. Touching Was Created

The following day was a calm Thursday in Pennsylvanian March. There was leftover slush on the ground, but the birds were singing and the sun was shining through the thick winter clouds. There was a blanket of serenity that morning that gave the illusion that everything would be alright. My truck started without complaint and for once, the interior of my car didn't smell like old cheap Marlboro reds.

 

Tim was chasing Phil, and Phil was putting up a good chase.

All of the guys would have been chasing Phil, but apparently, Tim wanted to do this on his own, so he waited until he was alone and stalked Phil solo.

Of course, he's never truly alone, I'm always lurking. I had my earbuds in and was shoved between two walls thanks to the strange architect that built this joke of a building. My secret playlist was screaming into my ears and I just enjoyed the feeling of being by myself.

That is, until Phil slammed into my legs and fell into the tiny concrete cubicle, and Tim sprinted passed, somehow not seeing Phil hide.

Phil landed hard on his chin, his long legs were draped across mine in an awkward fashion and he was groaning in a way that said he hit his head. Hard.

He eventually scrambled up, but the cubicle wasn't big enough for people of our height to stand in, so he hit his head again and sat back down, our legs forcefully tangled together. His lips started moving and I realized I was still being screamed at. I pulled out one earbud.

"Why do you always listen to music? I hear your friends complaining about how you always have your earbuds in." I was surprised by the genuine question, I expected a witty jab at my shitty personality.

"I don't know."

"Does it like...speak to you? Like it does others?" My legs were beginning to fall asleep and I was confused as to why he was asking me this.

"No, it's...it's just...louder. More bearable than all the other noise." Phil nodded, I guess accepting the answer.

There was a silence and I prayed no one would find us, Phil and I are pressed close, closer than a lot of the gross straight couples in the halls. Even after all this time, after all my feelings and sadness, and the threat of being outed, I still wanted to hide, to play it safe.

Phil's never played it safe. He's been only himself from the start, I wish I was him.

"I only asked him when we should start our project, I said we could do it at my house because I have a computer. He called me a fag and went to hit me but I ran, then he chased me."

"I told you I'll-"

"I know, I appreciate it."

There was a brief pause where I swore I could hear both of our heartbeats echoing off the tiny space.

"I still care about you, and I don't want you getting hurt." He whispered, and then my heart exploded, and it could definitely be heard. I'm the worst person in the entire world. I'm worse than Tim, and John, and all the guys. They don't lie about their intentions, I'm a fake, a bully, and a waste.

"I don't want you getting hurt either, but I've been hurting you." I responded. My hand itched to hold his. I haven't been able to hold his hand. That summer I spent all night imagining how it would feel to touch him.

"You've been hurting too." I shook my head at him.

"It's not the same, you don't deserve to get hurt." He looked angry.

"And you do?" I was about to nod but I stopped myself, I didn't need a lecture from him.

"Dan, no, no you don't. No, please don't,"

"Phil-"

"No! Shut the fuck up! You don't get to decide, you are not what you think you are! You're a good person."

"No I'm not, and you know it, I'm not looking for sympathy here, I know what I am."

"No, you don't, Dan Howell, you are extraordinary! You're beautiful and kind and smart. You've had the opportunity time and time again to really hurt me, to be John or Shaun or Tim, but you were light, and I know why you do what you do and I understand, and you're brilliant. You've managed to keep this up for so long, you're the strongest person I know."

I glanced down at my split knuckles and his bruise under his chin.

Phil saw what I was looking at and suddenly, he grabbed my hand and held it, covering the splitting, and I was holding his hand.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think for the next chapter I'm going to do a typical day in the life of Phil, then we'll switch over to Dan's POV again.


	16. Synonyms Were Created

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PHIL'S POV  
> unedited because I'm a lazy piece of shit

(Phil's POV)

Scamper, scurry, dash, run, sprint.

Hide, conceal, go underground.

There are so many terms for my everyday life.

Mrs. Taylor, the drama teacher, had walls covered in synonyms, because apparently she used to teach English and she can never let it go.

Monday morning's bring hustle and bustle, there's another term, around my house. Mom works double shifts on Monday's and Sunday's and dad is always running off.

"Will you guys come to my play? It's Beauty and the Beast! I'm a teacup!" My little sister said excitedly. She is in sixth grade but still has the curious optimism of a kindergartener. She's my favorite.

Mom and dad looked themselves, and then dad tapped his watch, a sign he was looking for a way out. I pulled down my sleeves as I reached for my cup, Octavia noticed the bruising but dad was staring at his watch.

"Oh, I don't know, dear, I'm very busy." He's always busy, too busy to notice four kids he managed to make time to have. Mia always said he'd be tapping his watch in his grave.

"Pleeassee, daddy! You have to do!" Lilly's freckled face turned red. Out of all four of us, she is the only one who managed to snatch Mom's ginger gene. The rest of us got away with straight black hair and blue eyes, except for Mia, who still kind of resents us for our eye color.

"I'll be there, sweetie." Mom responded, but she's busy a lot too. She's a paramedic and new here. Dad is the only one who managed to settle in well, and it's his fault we're here.

Lilly looked sadly at her plate, and at the same time Octavia rubbed Lilly's back, both whispering that we'd be there. In all our years, dad has never shown up to any of our school events. Mia was a champion swimmer and he never made it to a meet. Mom tried at least.

 

* * *

"Is it Halloween already? I spot a fairy costume..." I started sprinting.

After all this time I won't give up my right to dress how I want to dress, I won't let them take who I am away from me. Pastel, yes. Gay, fuck yes.

I had one more corner to go before a seemingly bodiless hand yanked me back by my color and into an empty classroom.

"I caught me a fairy! Where's my pot of gold?" I wanted to say it was in his teeth, that's the view I was getting.

"That's a green dwarf, god Al, you're dumb." It was three guys, whose names I could hardly remember. I just heard whispers of them, that's how I learned.

John, the short kid with a faulty toothbrush but strong muscles was the one holding me, stretching out my soft orange sweater. Al was the big guy that probably somehow managed to consume more food than was in John's rotting teeth, and Shaun was the one with dark brown bangs and dreamy eyes. Well, more like nightmareish eyes.   

One, two, there, four, they landed the blows until the first bell. Then, Dan showed up out of no where.

Dan's the one name I won't forget. It's carved into my brain. I think about him so much I feel like it's tattooed all over my skin. I pulled down my sweater sleeve. It kind of is.

"Come on, guys. Mr. Wi is a hard ass, fairy break later." I guess Dan was the voice of reason in the group, because John put me down, grumbling something under his breath, and the guys strode out. Dan followed them, not looking back.

 

What I wouldn't give to see his eyes, not so full of sorrow or hate. When he's hurting me, he looks so hateful, and then after I always see the hate turn into disgust. Dan's hate is deep-rooted and not aimed at me, I know that. The other's is surface, a never ending well, it's a shallow lake that goes on for hundreds of miles. They're disgusting.

* * *

_July, 2016_

 

_"Morning, baby." I grinned as Dan blushed all the way across the world. We spent another night on Skype together, he's so beautiful in the mornings. All tousled and groggy. Among other things..._

_"Hi," Sometimes I think he'll never not be shy. He's a quiet boy with baggage that's silenced him. I wish I could be there when he spirals, to hug him and wipe his tears. No matter what he says I know he isn't a monster._

_"Baby...what's that?" Dan blushed again, probably trying to play it off as he shifted, making it more obvious. I smirked._

_"What?"_

_"Are you going camping today?" Dan furrowed his brows and cocked his head in an adorable way. I want to kiss him so bad._

_"What?" He asked again, his American accent dripping with exhaustion._

_"I ask because there's a tent in your boxers." Dan's eyes widened as he looked down, moving to cover himself._

_"No, no, it's alright, princess, look," I shifted, "We're matching!"_

 

* * *

I blushed at the memory of my boldness as I safely entered Mrs. Taylor's room later that day, she caught onto my blush instantly, treating me like we were old friends rather than teacher and student.

"Oh...what's with the blush?" She smirked, her smirk faltering slightly as she noticed my black eye and chin. She already filed a complaint with the office, we both knew there was nothing to be done about it, it was just less painful to not talk about it.

"Nothing." I smiled, remembering the day Dan's shyness died. He became bold too, soon enough.

"Okayyyy." She doesn't know about Dan, at least, not in the way I know. She knows he his a bully that hurts me and others with his friends. She hates them, whatever I had to say couldn't change that.

She sat crisscrossed on her desk eating salad out of a Tupperware container while I sat on a desk. I had skipped lunch every day this year.

"Soooo, I have some news..." She trailed off, grinning from ear-to-ear. "I'm pregnant!"

"What?!"

"Yeah! Caroline and I had been wanting a child so we just went to the sperm bank and here we are!"

"Oh my god, I'm so happy for you!" I thought about hugging her but decided that would be too inappropriate so I just beamed from afar and she seemed to accept it. The rest of the period was spent talking about baby things.

"Phil is a good name."

"Actually, Caroline likes that name, it's her grandfathers, who is also gay as fuck." I loved that she now swore in front of me.

"It's a gay name." I commented, gesturing to myself.

"It's a gay world," her eyes widened at her comment, and then she sang it's a gay world for the rest of the time.

 Eventually, the bell rang and it was back into the wild.

 

* * *

Grady and I met in a grocery store staring at peanut butter. He called me hot and asked if I wanted to go out sometime, to which I agreed, as I was feeling very lonely.

He took me to a movie, but it turns out Grady isn't that interested in dating, so we made out in the back of the theater.

Then, we made out at various other places, and eventually he became my unenthusiastic boyfriend. The only time he can muster an emotion is when he's on the brink of an orgasm. And the sex is fine, he's fine, everything's fine.

I appreciate him picking me up from school, because he's the untouchable biker gay and I feel a little safer, which is more than fine.

Grady dropped me off at home that night, pulling me in for a kiss as he was about to put on the helmet he took off. Fine.

 

Mom and dad were out, Lilly was watching SpongeBob, and Octavia was locked in her room, emo music blaring. Typical day. I sighed, because I'm the oldest. I made tacos and made them eat, and then I lied in bed.

Every night, I do my hardest to grow the fuck up and not to cry, and every night I fail.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy (late) birthday to my son, the sun.


	17. Memories Were Created

Phil and I were working on Phil's project. _At his house. What._

Phil had an even littler sister who had short-cut black hair and thick red glasses. She looked like a hipster-in-training.

"Whe-where are you're parents?" I asked as his little sister, Lilly, bounded into the seemingly empty house. Lilly threw a fit because she wanted to ride in my truck on the way over because apparently she had never been in one, but Phil acted like a dad and put his foot down.

"Work, probably." Octavia was also in the car with Phil, I guess he drives both of his sisters home. He skipped the motorcycle ride today, Grady was nowhere to be found anyway. Octavia angrily pushed between us and took long strides towards her room.

"Tavy, wait, what do you want? Pizza?" "Tavy" just looked at me, scowled and shrugged, before stomping off and slamming the door.

"You gotta watch and feed them? What, are you their dad?" Phil frowned and shrugged at me, and I suddenly felt I made a terrible mistake.

"Parents work a lot, Lilly's a handful and Tavy is obviously going through a-a phase. She's grouchy all the time, but at least Lilly is a bit older. Lap top, my room." He finished his sentence by setting me on fire, or I wish he did. I wish Octavia ran out of her room with a giant gallon of gasoline and a box of matches, because it already felt like I was burning. His room. Christ.

Phil must have noticed me spontaneously combusting because he smirked as he walked towards the hallway where I guess all the bedrooms were.

Lilly was at the counter doing homework and music was blaring from Octavia's room. The sounds are so much better here, like it's a real home. At my house, all you hear is my dad swearing and beer cans being crunched and the TV showing some sports game being played too loud because dad is apparently almost deaf from working in construction before he became a full time stay-at-home table. He is a table, not even a dining table, an old moldy end table someone put on their lawn with a sign that said "free, please take."

 

Phil had two options in his room, his desk chair, which he sat in, or his bed. The foot of his bed came out enough so that if I sat on it I could be close enough to help, but I'd rather jump out of a moving car than sit on his bed. I already felt sick, but a different sick, the kind I hadn't felt since our first skype call. The nostalgia almost made me tear up.

"Alright, Kenya..." Phil's voice trailed off but his lips kept moving, or maybe I wasn't listening, maybe I was just staring at his pink lips moving. I used to think about them for hours, wondering if he wore lip gloss or something to make them so pink and sweet. I wonder if they were as sweet as they looked.

"Dan?" I met his eyes, which held no emotion, but he knew without a doubt what I had been doing. _He has a boyfriend, and you're horrible to him, get it together, his sister has your nudes._

"Right, sorry, I have poster board in the truck." So we typed up headings and silently glued things, and eventually we were sick of Lilly banging on the door demanding pizza, so he ordered one.

We had a brief argument about how I wanted to pay for it, and he wouldn't let me, which pissed me off.

"Pizzas here!" Octavia yelled, Phil and I locked eyes for a moment before both sprinting to get there first, I was taller but Phil has a lot of practice in being fast.

Octavia was seated on the counter chewing on the end of pizza.

"Don't worry, I paid for it." I wondered if she heard our argument but I decided I didn't care, I'm in enemy territory, I need to behave.

Lilly was giggling at us as she read a book that looks like it was assigned for school, I sat down across from her, praying Octavia didn't turn her against me.

"Hey, what grade are you in?"

"Sixth," She mumbled through pizza, not looking up from her book.

"Cool," She nodded and I guess didn't want to speak to me anymore. Phil laughed next to me, and Octavia kicked the back of his chair, grinning at him fondly. I wondered if this is what it's like to be a family. To be happy, for it to be as easy and natural as the exchanges between them. Trevor and I never had that, and we probably never will.

Soon, we were all laughing at a stupid meme Phil passed around, even Octavia, and it looked good on her. I longed for this all the time, but I know what's happening and what's going to happen, so I just leaned back and tried to preserve the memory.


	18. Anger Was Created

The projects are easy, like I said, Phil could have done this on his own. The fact that he knew this and still wanted me to help is a good sign. Until I inevitably fuck it up again.

On the following Monday, Tim was particularly upset and wouldn't talk about it. He was red in the face and all he had to do was stand next to Phil. Phil did the poster, Phil held the poster, and Phil presented the poster. It just wasn't enough for Tim.

Tim's breathing was getting faster as Phil went on, and his fists were clenched. I could see Phil notice this out of the corner of his eye. I hoped to God Grady was waiting for Phil today. He'd have to hide the rest of the day, but he could do it.

Phil finished and went to his seat and Tim went to his, still looking like the fucking hulk.

"Alright, Japan," The teacher said, not seeming to notice Tim's anger problem.

* * *

 

Phil left his poster behind as he ran out of there, but Tim was well aware of Phil's plan and he followed close behind. This was an obvious chase, people were being shoved out of the way so Tim could get to Phil.

Phil rounded a corner, and I followed out of sickening curiosity. It felt like I was watching a nature documentary, Tim was the predator and Phil was his prey.

Tim had Phil pushed up against the lockers. It was obvious Tim was supporting Phil's weight because Phil had gone slack. His face was covered in blood but he still appeared to be conscious. Tim had his fist raised, ready to inflict another blow. My chest felt hot and tight and my breathing grew shallow. People were watching but also going about their business. Some were laughing and jeering. Why didn't they step in? He needs help!

_The same reason you're not stepping it. You deserve to be in his place._

"Dan! Just the man I was looking for. Let's beat him unconscious and leave him on the roof for the crows to peck at him." I cringed at that. Shaun and John did that to a boy freshman year, the boy got extremely sick and had a concussion.

"I-uh, I can't, I gotta meet Bobby Benjamin, he owes me money."

"You let him borrow your money?"

"No." I stormed off in the opposite direction, leaving Phil there to fend for himself. There it is, I screwed it up again.

 

* * *

Bobby Benjamin doesn't owe me any money, but he was one of Blake's favorite old punching bags, and since Blake got whisked away to rehab, Bobby Benjamin has been doing well.

I found Bobby Benjamin reading in a stairwell. My blood was boiling, my hands were itching to knock Tim's teeth out, but I couldn't just do that. And that disgusted me. _I_ disgust myself. I wouldn't touch Tim, and I couldn't touch Phil, so instead I'd find another bag.

Bobby always was a bleeder, he's amazing at staining the concrete of the stairwell and breaking his nose.

After that, I walked out of the school and didn't look back.

 

 


	19. Ease Was Created

On Tuesday I drove my car to a nearby lake and drove into a bush, then walked back to my house and hid in my closet until mom went to work and dad went to the bar.

At ten they were both gone for sure, so I sat on my front porch wrapped up in a blanket and drank one of dad's shitty beers. I guess Tim did leave Phil on the roof and a janitor found Phil. Tim got suspended, Phil was fine besides bruises. I wondered if his parents would ask about these ones.

I was beyond grateful that it was nearly spring. All the snow was long melted. We have a pond on the property and I stared at it from my porch, fighting the urge to go swimming. Parts of it still had ice.

I dropped my blanket and walked down to the water, jumping a long distance to get on the floating dock that had been pulled closer to shore for the winter. The wind whipped at my bare chest but I ignored it, deciding it isn't worse than laying on a cold roof for hours. I wondered how his sisters got home. I wondered if Grady noticed his absence or if he just drove away. I wondered if Tim felt any remorse, which I already knew the answer to.

I didn't pay attention to the time, but I finished my beer when a car pulled in the driveway. I didn't feel the cold anymore, I didn't feel anything. It wouldn't be either of my parents. Mom doesn't get off until late and dad stays at the bar until at least five.

Someone in a black hoodie with the hood up went to my door. They parked too close to the road so I couldn't see their car. They also wore black leggings, and I wondered who that we know wears black leggings.

They rang the doorbell, which obviously no one answered. Then they knocked, they knocked and knocked to a point where I was getting annoyed. The pond was far away, and I had to really yell for them to hear me.

"CHARLIE AND MARY AREN'T HERE." I yelled hoping they'd go away. They turned towards my voice, but I still couldn't see their face.

"I WASN'T LOOKING FOR A CHARLIE NOR A MARY." _Accent._

He made his way down to me, and I was just startled he was wearing all black.

"How'd you get out there?" He called,

"Jumped." He looked horrified at that but I guess decided to make the jump anyway. He landed, with one foot hovering the water.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, mildly terrified. He sat crisscrossed next to me.

"What are you doing out here? Without a shirt on? You're going to freeze to death!" Before I knew what he was doing, he was taking his hoodie off and offering it to me. What is happening.

"Um, that's alright." He had a tight long-sleeved black shirt on. The contrast of black against his pale skin is mesmerizing

"No, take it, I mean it, Dan." So I took it and put it on and tried to ignore how it spelled like roses.

"Um, how do you know where I live?"

"You know where I live, don't you think I deserve to know where you live?"

"Not what I asked." Phil chuckled at that, his split lip split more when he smiled. He had a cut on the bridge of his nose and bruises on his jaw and cheeks. It appears he tried to cover them up with make up but failed.

"I did something bad."

"What?"

"Every day at nine-thirty the principal leaves his desk and goes to the bathroom to jack off. His files are easy to sort through, and he has to wait for the Viagra to kick in, so that gave me enough time to look you up." It's a bit creepy he went through all that trouble.

"How do you know he does that?"

"I know everything, I have to hide a lot so I see what the teachers do. Ms. Jenkins had a vibrator in her yesterday for my period."

"WHAT?"

"Body language class in Manchester." We fell silent. I felt this was one of those moments, the ones that anything can happen in, they usually only happen in the summer. It's when you feel you've been removed from your body, so your true self is leaking out of your pores.

 

"I'm sorry I didn't help you yesterday."

"No you're not." I looked at him,

"Yes I am, you stupid fuck. I don't want to see you get hurt."

"Is that why you beat up that other kid?" Speechlessness, what a long word to describe someone with nothing to say.

"I-I, I wanted it to be Tim, but it wasn't Tim."

"I found you today because you did that and didn't show up today. Beating someone random up doesn't seem to be something you do often, as much as I hate to admit, I was worried."

"I..."

"Yeah." Another silence, I could see Phil was cold but I didn't want to give him back his sweatshirt.

"God, look at us." He laughed at the sky, "We're such teenagers."

"Comes with the hormones I suppose." Phil placed his head on my shoulder, I wish then I did offer him back his sweatshirt so I could feel him on my bare skin.

"I wish you'd hate me." I whispered because I didn't have to just say it anymore. He was right here.

"So do I. Why do you make it so damn hard, Dan Howell."

"Do you wish I never messaged you?" Phil shook his head on my shoulder.

"No, because then I'd probably hate you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had the urge to finish the whole fic today. I'll wait.


	20. Hate Was Created

On Tuesday I did about the same thing, uninterrupted and semi-blissful. On Wednesday Trevor showed up.

"What do you want?" I asked, angrily answering the door. He has a key but I beat him to it.

"What are you doing home?" Carrie appeared behind Trevor, using her height as an advantage.

"Sick day, what are you doing here?" Trevor snorted and pushed passed me.

"I know damn well what this is about."

"Fuck off." I called back at him as I flopped on the smoky couch.

"Obviously not Luis, because you never called him or attempted to even get his number." I tried to care. Luis was a nice boy, pretty and sweet and as inexperienced as I am. He can do better.

"Probably that guy Shelly said she saw you staring at on Christmas." Today is April fools day. I'm so grateful I wasn't there to see whatever they were going to do to Phil.

"Fuck off, Trevor."

Trevor sat on my legs on the end of the couch. Being tall sucks. I looked at Carrie perched on an armrest. She's hardly five foot. I envy her. I wonder if she ever missed her eyeliner pencil.

"Who is he?"

 _No one._ I wanted to deny, it's been my answer for years. It feels heavy, and Trevor knows and Phil isn't just no one, he's everyone. I'm gay. I've never said it out loud before. Even when Phil asked me all that time ago over chat I said, "I prefer men."

I bet he laughed at that. The scared boy who likes boys.

"Don't ask."

"You have to stop saying that." I sat up abruptly, causing Trevor to hit the couch awkwardly as I claimed my legs back.

"No, Trevor, you can't just ask me this bullshit. Do you know who I live with? Do you know who our parents are? I don't have anywhere to go. I can't do this, this thing right now. This shitty house and these shitty people are literally all I have, that and about four hundred dollars from last years job." I worked part-time in an ice cream truck last summer.

"You have me."

"And me," Carrie added sweetly. Carrie's good, she's the reason Trevor is here being so sweet. In high school he was like John, vicious, cruel. It made me hate him. I wondered if Carrie knew all that.

"Yeah, I appreciate it."

"Why are you even so hung up over this guy?" I wanted to spill my guts to them, but it felt like what Phil and I had is too sacred. A story you don't tell but everyone knows. So I just didn't answer them and waited for them to leave.

 

At three fifteen, my phone stared blowing up.

**John: Dude Christ where have you been? You wont believe what happened**

**Shaun: Pictures of David eating out Mrs. Henderson got projected on the side of the building**

**Tim: David actually got some**

**Mike: Mrs. Henderson and David have been fucking**

**Mike: I bet they been fucking since seventh grade she's gorss**

**Mike *gross**

**Billy: projected on the court yard wall a slide show of pics that show David and Mrs Henderson getting it**

**Billy: they were projected from the art room the art teacher is in trouble**

**Al: I saw Mrs Hendersons tits today**

 

**Phil: You couldn't GUESS what happened.**

 

It's just like Phil to text with punctuation. Mrs. Henderson was our seventh grade geography teacher, she was forty back then. I can't imagine she looks that great with her shirt off. She's probably going to lose her job over this. I wonder if that was Octavia's intensions. I beginning to think it's not just Octavia anymore. She seems to be too powerful. How did she manage to project giant slides on the side of the court yard? Does she have something on the art teacher?

 

 

 

* * *

By Friday I had somehow gone through all the weed in the house and dad is low on beer, so if I took one it'd be obvious. I thought about how John and I are the only ones who are left. I wondered if John noticed it too, or if she drug this out on purpose. Not just to destroy me, but so the other guys don't see it coming.

I wondered how many days I had. I have four hundred dollars. I bet I can get to New York and get a fake ID with that, then become a stripper and never look back. That was my plan when I was fourteen, I bet it'd work even easier now.

Just as I was about to pack my bags, someone banged on my door.

"MARY AND CHARLIE AREN'T HERE." I yelled from my bedroom, shoving sweat pants into an open duffel.

"AGAIN, NOT LOOKING FOR EITHER OF THEM." Phil.

He was at my door, sobbing into his green sweater. It was too warm today for a sweater.

"I'm sorry, it's stupid, I just didn't know where to go." Phil came into my house and fell right into my arms. I didn't know what to do. He was holding onto me, so I repeated the action, rubbing his back. He didn't appear to be hurt in any way, so why is he crying? Phil doesn't take verbal abuse, he laughs at it, that's why the guys are so hard on him. That can't be why he's crying.

I looked around in terror, expecting my big bad drunken father to appear out of a corner holding a baseball bat.

I led Phil, who was still crying into my shoulder, over to the couch. I wasn't dressed like he was. I had on a thin grey t-shirt and boxers, like I said, it's too hot for a sweater.

It broke my heart to hear him cry, to see him shaking and against me. He looked so small and helpless.

"Phil? Phil, what's wrong?" I looked at the clock, it was just passed noon. Why isn't he at school?

"I-I-I!" He couldn't control his sobbing, so I held him until it turned into soft hiccupping, and then he pulled away from me, leaving my t-shirt dark with tears. He laughed a little at it.

"Sorry."

"It's fine, What's wrong?" Phil's smile disappeared and I wanted to go with it.

"I planned on skipping today because I knew you would and I didn't want you to do something drastic like, run away." He laughed a little, god, he had no idea. I wondered suddenly if he'd be angry if I told him about Octavia.

"I decided I wanted to end things with Grady." He must have noticed my confused look, "Yeah, I mean, it started and he just wanted sex, and I was broken hearted, and he took me on dates occasionally and still just wanted sex. He blew me in the back of the cinema. I didn't ask him to, he just did. We were watching a Disney movie."

"Jesus."

"He wasn't that great at-at speaking? Like, he wasn't as deep and smart as you, whenever I'd try he'd just laugh at me. Anyway," He paused and took a deep breath, he appeared to be on the verge of tears again.

"I went to his house and he-had another guy with him...making out on the couch. I gasped when I came in and they heard me. I kind of yelled at him I was there to break up with him anyway, and then he followed me outside."

"Oh my god."

"He didn't follow me out to apologize, he laughed at me, he said "Break up? We weren't together,"

"What?"

"He said I was just a "girly fuck" and I meant nothing to him basically and then went back into the house. I came straight here." Phil had tears in his eyes, but he was trying hard to fight them back.

"Phil, listen to me, okay? Fuck that guy." He laughed at me, and nodded, I reached up involuntarily and wiped his tears.

"FUCK THAT GUY!" Phil yelled suddenly, almost making me fall of the couch, we laughed sadly.

"FUCK THAT GUY!" I yelled too, and then we were both yelling at the top of our lungs.

"FUCK GRADY!"

"FUCK HIM!"

"FUCK HIM AND HIS TINY DICK!" I almost fell off the couch laughing.

"Tiny?"

"Microscopic, and he always insisted on topping." Phil shook his head and laughed, "FUCK HIM!"

 

* * *

Hours later we were still on the couch, but we weren't yelling anymore. I was laying down and Phil was laying on top of me, he let me play with his hair. It felt like a dream, all of it, me touching him, him even being here. This had been the worst year of my life.

He had his arms wrapped around me and his head was on my chest, but his eyes were open. Always thinking, his brain is always working overtime. It's amazing to watch.

"Dan?" He whispered softly, beautifully.

"Yes?" And suddenly he was kissing me, softly and sweetly and so much like he would, I almost hated him for it. I dreamed of this moment for months, every hour of every day, I've peaked in life. Phil kissing me, there's nothing better.

His brain, of course, was still turning at light year speed, but mine as shut off completely. So has my hearing and my vision, all I could do was feel, and taste. Everything was so sweet and sure. I never wanted it to end. I wanted to die here, turn into stone so we would be like this forever.

"I wanted to do that for so long." He mumbled as he pulled away breathlessly, and I realized I too needed air.

"Do it again." I replied, air is overrated.

Kissing him seemed timeless, like the entire world was stuck right here. Or maybe we became the world, maybe the moon was orbiting us. I felt so big that the sun could be orbiting us. I'm on top of the world.

I was gone, too far gone to hear the screen door slam. Phil's hands were under my t-shirt and that's all I could think about.

"What the HELL!" Then something slammed, and Phil was suddenly pulled off of me, and I heard him scream and I heard screaming, and I saw my dad's angry face. Kissing isn't timeless, even if it feels like it is.

"FUCKING-" Phil kicked dad in the groin and he released Phil, Phil ran over to me and I grabbed my car keys because they were closest, and I left everything else behind.

"GET BACK HERE YOU FAGGOT!"

We made it outside, but suddenly dad had a rifle. For once in my sixteen years, the truck started fine. I silently thanked grandpa, also for the first time.

"My door won't open!" Phil yelled frantically trying to open the sticky passenger door. A gun shot.

"Jump in the back!" Another gun shot, Phil jumped in the bed of the truck, landing hard, and I peeled out of the driveway, leaving behind the old house with the sound of a final gunshot and my father yelling,

"Don't come back!"

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the end.


	21. Secrets Were Created

I never asked Phil if I could sleep at his house, it just sort of happened.

I think he probably let it happen because I passed out after hours of crying into his chest, because everything I ever worked for got torn down in less than five minutes.

I woke up late that Friday night, or Saturday morning, and Phil and I snuck back to the house to get Phil's car. I didn't want him to go alone...I didn't trust him to go alone. He looked murderous.

Phil's own parents didn't seem to care, as they didn't turn up at all.

On Saturday morning I woke up to Phil holding me against his chest, fast asleep. He was propped up because he made it his mission to hold me all night, which I didn't mind. I cringed at the wet patch on his sweater as I lifted my head. His eyelids fluttered, he looked like an angel.

Phil woke up slowly and looked more angelic in the process. It's a completely inappropriate time to be so struck by his perfection, but I couldn't help it.

"Hey," His voice was hoarse in a way I thought I'd never hear again. It almost made me cry.

"Hi." I noticed he had tear tracks on his face and I suddenly remembered that it had been a rough day for both of us.

"I should get out of here," I started, sitting up and realizing I was still in my old pajamas from the other night. "Your parents are going to be upset I crashed."

Phil shook his head and frowned, "No they won't, come here." He pulled me back onto him awkwardly, "You can crash here as long as you need. My parents are away until Wednesday."

I was about to ask why when a very hyper Lilly ran into his room.

"Phil! Phil!-" She saw me suddenly and her eyes dimmed, confusion spread all across her innocent features until she smiled awkwardly and backed out of the room.

"Fatherhood awaits," Phil smiled sadly at me, lifting his hand and cupping my cheek. It was all still so foreign, but so comforting. I wanted to hate him, he is the reason I've gotten myself into this mess, but I didn't. I couldn't. He means too much to me.

* * *

Phil and I spent the morning flipping pancakes for Lilly, because Octavia stuck her head out of her room, scoffed, and left with a backpack and not a word.

"Moody teenagers," Phil laughed and shook his head. "Lilly, promise me you'll never be an Octavia."

Lilly looked confused, but smiled anyway, "Okay, I promise, I'll be a Mia instead." Phil served Lilly her pancakes and she ran off into the living room to watch cartoons.

"Mia?" I asked as soon as Lilly was out of the room.

"Mia is our older sister. When we moved she started her first year of college back home. Lilly was really upset to see her go. She looked up to Mia more than to Octavia."

"Do you?"

"Well, I'm the second oldest, I don't really have anyone else to look up to."

"What's she like?"

"Um..." Phil paused, shoving half of his chocolate chip pancake into his mouth, "Stubborn, arrogant, smart, gayer than me." I laughed,

"Is that even possible?"

"You'd think not, but she lives in Manchester."

We fell into a silence that caused my thoughts to race, he's going to ask what I'm going to do, and I don't have an answer. I could call Trevor, but he lives in a dorm. I can't live with him. I'm the definition of fucked.

"Dan?"

"Yeah, I know, I'm thinking."

"You should call them." What a dumb idea.

"You know, this morning I expected to have fifty missed calls from at least my mother, seeing as how she isn't as violent as dad, but none. Not a word." Phil grabbed my hand across the table and squeezed it, I squeezed back. How could something so horrible come out of something so good?

"You're going to have to call your brother or something,"

"I'm homeless, I can't believe it, I really can't. I tried so hard, and I ended up here anyway. I can't call my brother yet. Just, give me a day or two, please?" Phil smiled sadly and nodded at me,

"Of course."

* * *

 

 

I decided on Monday I'd call Trevor after I was sure all his classes would be over.

"Wake up, princess, it's time for school."

"Wha-what?" I groaned as Phil tried to pry out of my intense cuddle hold.

"You missed all week last week. You can't miss another, come on."

"Are you serious?"

"Dead." Phil stared at me through the darkness of his room, I hate this boy.

"You know I'm still not out at school..." I could've sworn I saw something shift behind his eyes, but sleep was still clouding my vision.

"You have to go, Dan. You missed a week. People are getting suspicious." I groaned and fell back onto Phil's bed. I tried to take the couch the last two nights but Phil insisted, and I couldn't refuse his kind offer.

"I don't even have any of my stuff, clothes or anything. I don't even have shoes!" I left in such a hurry the other day I only grabbed the keys to my truck and my phone, of course.

"Borrow mine."

"You have got to be kidding."

 

Phil's closet is filled with frilly outfits and soft colors, a few dresses.

"I can't wear any of this! You don't have one neutral color!"

"Oh...hold on..." Phil started digging through his closet, ten minutes later, he pulled out a grey t-shirt that said "bad boy" on the back.

"Phil!"

"It's the only neutral one I have, here, wear this hoodie." Phil threw a red zip up hoodie at me, and I had no choice but to wear it.

"Pants, shoes." The pants and the shoes obviously weren't mine, blue jeans that could be considered skinny, and black converse. Who am I fooling?

"Come on, bad boy." Phil giggled at me, placing a quick peck on the side of my mouth. My face heated up to the color of the jacket.

"Shut up."

 

* * *

The guys teased me.

"Where'd you get the pants? Gay-r-us?" Shaun laughed at his cleverness, I rolled my eyes.

"No, mom bought me this shit and is making me wear it. You know how parents are with that bullshit." I heard Phil snicker across the parking lot.

It hurt for me to think of my mother, even after everything, she is the women who cared for me all this time.

John was staring at his phone, rapidly texting every now and then. I recognized the look. Octavia saving the best two for last.

 

During gym, I realized I was going to have to take my hoodie off. Even if I didn't have my gym clothes the teacher would make me run, and it's hot out there for April.

"Howell, no hoodies, you know the rule." The gym teacher growled as we got onto the track. He'd dock me more points if I left it on, so I groaned quietly and took it off. It didn't take long for Al, John, and Mike to notice that it said "Bad Boy" in big black letters across the back.

"Dan what the fuck-"

Our phones beeped at once. We were walking on the track next to tons of other students, and so did theirs, my heart sank.

 

_**Unknown number: If I could direct your attention to the school's Facebook page, that'd be swell.** _

 

They seemed to forget my t-shirt as they got onto the school's Facebook page. You know what it's like, when a school has a Facebook page no students like, a lot of them block it actually, so it was sort of hard to get onto.

 

"Shit,"

"Holy fuck..."

"Ew!" People around us were whispering their disgust.

The caption read: **Hot off the press! Get it while you can! School bully is actually school twink!**

It wasn't me, Jesus Christ, it was not me.

John.

Holy shit.

He's always been more intense than everyone else, going harder and angrier.

This is why.

It's a link to John's apparent secret Tumblr page, where he only posts videos of himself shoving...vegetables where vegetable shouldn't be shoved.

His face is in most of them.

"Guys..."

"Oh my god..."

"Are you seeing this?" John looked visibly ill as everyone around him began to laugh and point, and suddenly John took off running, off the track, off school property. The gym teacher tried to run after him but got too tired after two steps and let him go. We watched him until he was too far away to see, and then the shouting started.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy this is k


	22. In The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so long.

The guys didn't talk all day. It was as if they were in mourning. No one heard from John. The link was taken of Facebook minutes after it was posted, but mostly everyone saved the username. He won't come back from this, he might not even come back.

The wind was blowing as Phil and I leaned against my truck, I didn't actually care if anyone saw me with Phil at this point. HIs presence just made everything easier. I called Trevor.

"Um, so, mom called."

"Yeah? Not me." Trevor coughed awkwardly.

"She said some less than nice things."

"Get on with it, Trevor. And don't sugar coat it."

"She thinks it would be best if you didn't come home." Silence. There it was. Sixteen and kicked out of my own house. For like boys. How modern.

"I figured," I glanced at Phil, I'm pretty sure he heard what Trevor said.

"Listen, Trevor, I don't know where to go. I left so fast I didn't grab anything. I don't even have any cash, I'm homeless." Trevor was silent for a moment.

"I have an idea, um, do you have somewhere to stay just for tonight?" I glanced at Phil, he nodded. I guess he could hear Trevor.

"Yeah, for the night. You don't have to-"

"I'll call you when I know, love you, little brother." My heart broke.

"Love you too."

* * *

 

Just as Phil and I walked into his house my phone rang.

_Mom_

My heart sank. I wanted to throw my phone across the room. To yell and scream and smash everything in sight. I answered it.

"Mom."

"Your father isn't home, so now is a good time to come get your things."

"You're seriously kicking me out."

"Come get your things." She hung up.

 

Phil held my hand, and mom's eyes lingered on it before she continued to standing the hallway, I passed her silently, wondering if she hated me now like she hated that other boy at Christmas.

I packed the basics, clothes that I didn't hate and my hair brush. Phil just stood around and looked at my room, and I realized how utterly basic it was. Brown walls, brown bed sheets. Phil's room looks like a teenager's room, lived in and cherished. Mine was just an extension of the house. My parents thought I was going to be a girl, and so I couldn't share a room with Trevor so they built on another room.

Under my bed I found the skinny jeans and leather jacket, I felt the stolen eyeliner pencil in my pocket. I thought of Luis again and if he thought of me. I started taking my jeans off.

"Um, Dan?" I ripped them off and shoved them in my bag, pulling on the skinny jeans and pulling out the eyeliner pencil.

The eyeliner was blue, not black, and it made me look weird. Phil said nothing but he stared at my eyes. I also put on the leather jacket. It made me feel more open. I realize now that even if I become homeless, I'll still be free.

 

* * *

The next day, Trevor called me before we got to school. Phil was being quiet the whole time. He held my hand a little harder and stuck closer to me. I didn't understand why, but I didn't complain. It was nice, being so close to him.

"Where are you? I'm picking you up after school, I have an arrangement for you."

"What is it?"

"You're going to have to get a job."

"Um, ok?"

"I'll tell you when I pick you up."

"Okay?" He hung up.

Dan rode with me to school that morning, along with Lilly. We had to drop her off at the middle school. With Phil in the front see and watching Lilly scurry into the building, it gave me thoughts of Phil and I taking our own children to middle school.

I wore the skinny jeans and leather jacket again today, I hoped I would start a new reputation. My mom is friends with Al's mom, but I don't think she would tell her, she cares about her image too much. Even if she loves gossiping more than she loves her own children.

"Hey, I'm going to part with you here, I gotta go talk to the office people." Phil said, after pulling away from kissing me in my truck.

"Why?"

"Um, scheduling." He threw back as he got out of my truck. I shrugged it off as I sat in my truck a bit longer. The eyeliner pencil was sitting in my jean pocket again. It's strangely reassuring, it comforts me to run my hand over the slight bulge.

The guys didn't talk about John last night. I'm pretty sure they've just blocked it out.

Shaun, Tim, and Al were standing in the hallway where I walked in. I had my earbuds in again. Shaun noticed them first and shook his head, saying something that I couldn't hear.

"What?" I asked, taking one earbud out and pressing pause on my phone.

"Goddamn earbuds again," Shaun shook his head and looked down, "What the fuck is with the skinny jeans? You emo now?"

"Laundry day." I replied. I hated that I still lied to them. I'm with Phil now, even if it's not official. I've been kicked out of my house, John is a secret gay who is apparently missing, so things should be different now, right?

My phone beeped, it was Phil sending a series of heart emojis. I couldn't stop the smile from invading my face.

"Dude, what the fuck?"

"Hey, guys, John's sister found him. He was crashing on the roof of a bar in town." Al said staring down at his phone.

I noticed something when I got into my messages, a message from an unknown number, Octavia probably, but I didn't get a notification for it and it appears it had been opened.

_**Unknown: Guess what today is.** _

_**Me?: What day is it?** _

_**Unknown: The day.** _

_**Me?: Who is this?** _

_**Unknown: Don't play dumb, Howell. You know damn well who this is.** _

_**Me?: Nope, you got me, and what day is it?** _

_**Unknown: Judgement day, you dense asshole.** _

 

At that point the messages stop, the only probably is, I didn't text Octavia at all today. So today is the day? I feel like it's sort of anti-climatic with John being outed just yesterday, like how am I ever going to top that? Octavia should work on her planning.

 

The guys were talking about John, and Tim was expressing his disgust over the situation, and how John is apparently, "Faker than most girls here." Tim always did have a talent for insulting people.

"Dan? Are you going to chime in?"

"On a roof, huh, it's funny how karma works." The guys seemed confused by my statement, but the bell rang so they ignored it and headed off for class.

* * *

"Dan, why didn't you do your homework?" I wanted to say I didn't have my backpack until, like, yesterday, but I just shrugged, running my hand over the eyeliner in my pocket.

_Octavia Lester please report to the guidance office, Octavia Lester._

I shuddered when I heard her name, and I wondered why she was being called down. A small spark of hope lit in me that said she was being caught, but I quickly shut that out, it's to unlikely and I'm too unlucky. Octavia is too smart for her to be caught.

Then I wondered about the texts again this morning, this was just too confusing. I hadn't texted her at all today, or maybe I did and don't remember? No, I'd remember something like this. All I care about is my image, after all.

 

At lunch was when I was sure that she would send a mass text with the pictures or something, but nothing, except a text from Phil saying he left early, claiming a stomach ache.

By the end of the day I was more confused than a fourteen-year-old boy. My name wasn't dragged through the mud. People didn't see pictures of me with my hand wrapped around my dick, or anything like that. It was another day. When Octavia says she is going to do something, she does it. She has been consistent like that, so I didn't get my hopes up yet.

"Hey, I said I was picking you up." Trevor was leaning against my truck, there was no evidence of him driving here at all.

"How did you even get here?" Trevor waved me off,

"You're my little brother, I told you I'd take care of this for you..." He trailed off. "Is-is that Carrie's outfit?"

"Maybe. I wanted something different today." Trevor shook his head.

"Where's your stuff? Did you get it from the house?"

"It's in the truck." I felt too weird about bringing everything I own into Phil's house, so I left it in there.

"Have you been living out of your truck?"

"No, I've been...I haven't been staying in the truck, with a friend." Trevor raised his eyebrows at me, he knew I couldn't just stay at one of my friend's houses.

"Listen, I've taken care of this, and this is your only option." A few girls standing around were staring at us.

"Well, what is it?"

"Carrie's couch is a pullout. And she likes you and she's fine with it with two conditions." A couch. I'd be living on someone's couch. I'm so tall.

"What are the conditions?" It's not like I have any other choice. Whatever I've built with Phil is on fragile ground, seeing as how his sister is blackmailing me and I haven't told him about it, and seeing as how I tormented him for months. I still will never forgive myself for that.

"She wants you to help out with like, groceries and stuff, so you gotta get a job. Also, she needs a model."

"What?"

"You just gotta wear the clothes she makes so she can see what they look like, you're not going to walk the runway or anything." I'll tell you the truth, the idea didn't seem unappealing.

Is this it? Is this just my life now? Kicked out of the house I grew up in, living on a couch nearly an hour away from my school? Kissing boys and wearing leather jackets? How long is Octavia going to drag this bullshit out for?

Phil texted.

**Phil: Are you coming home? I gotta see you.**

**Me: I don't know. It looks like I found a possible long-term place I'll text you**

I've never been as good as using punctuation while texting.

"You know I still have senior year next year. Is Carrie prepared to have me living on her couch for another year?"

"She is."

"You sure? Are you even okay with it?"

"Well, you're super gay and Carrie is terrified of living alone. Does that answer your questions?" 

I kicked at the ground, "I'm not super gay."

"Sure, whatever."

 

* * *

 

Carrie welcomed me with open arms, she had tears in her eyes and babbled something I didn't understand, but I have to admit, it's nice to feel wanted.

"Sorry there's only the one bedroom, it's kind of small around here..."

"It's lovely, thank you so much, Carrie." She nodded and went off to the bathroom, where I'm pretty sure I heard her let out a sob. Trevor went in after her, probably to comfort her.

Phil is calling.

I answered, Phil's first words, "Don't be mad."

"What, why, Phil, what's happening."

"Okay, I think I should be mad at you."

"What? I mean, yeah, you should, generally, but like, why right now?"

"You were in the bathroom this morning, _taking a long fucking time I might add..."_

"And?"

"I'm kind of mad about how long you take to brush your hair, and it looks the fucking same."

"Phil?" Phil sighed,

"You got a text and it was cryptic and scary and because I'm a snoopy boyfriend I read back through the old texts and was appalled and terrified for you and it made me cry and I was also so angry and-"

"What? Phil, slow down." Phil breathed deeply,

"I saw the texts from Octavia." Oh, _oh._ Sometimes I forget that Octavia was Phil's sister, and not just a random person who had it out for me. This must have crushed Phil to read those texts.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Phil asked, sounding genuinely upset that I kept something like this from him.

"I think you know why, Phil, come on."

"I'm so so sorry, Dan, I'm so sorry."

"What? Phil, you have _nothing_ to apologize for. It's all my doing. She was doing this as revenge." I could hear Trevor and Carrie creep out of the bathroom and I knew they were listening in on me.

"She's my sister-"

"If I hadn't...Phil, if I hadn't done all those things then none of it would be happening. I brought it on myself."

"But if I hadn't kept the pictures-"

"You can't blame yourself. Besides, after everything, I'm kind of flattered you kept the photos."

"She was going to send them out."

"Yeah, yeah, I know."

"The other guys...they all had secrets too...was that-"

"I think it was her, but I can't prove it."

"I, um, I told on her, I sent screen shots to myself so I could prove it. They suspended her. Mom, dad, and Octavia are all very upset." He told on her? Why the fuck would he go and do something like that? She's his sister, his little sister. Even after everything, I understand where she was coming from, and I accepted it. I deserve it, I've been terrible to him. We all have, why should I be the one to get off without a scratch.

"Phil, you didn't have to-"

"Yes, I did. You didn't deserve that."

"Yes I do, and you know it, Phil."

"Dan-" I heard yelling in the background and Phil sighing into the phone.

"I have to go, I love you." My chest felt tight. I always wondered what that felt like when people described it. It's like not being able to breath, and getting off on it. It's wonderful and it's painful. It's love.

"I love you too." I do, I love him, and I don't deserve him, but I love him so much. I'm not worthy of his love. He's an angel and I'm a tiny molecule, of like, dust. He's wonderful.

* * *

 

The next day I texted Phil and said I was taking him and Lilly to school, seeing as how Octavia is suspended.

Phil grabbed my neck as soon as he climbed into the passenger seat, kissing me fiercely, I was aware of the twelve-year-old in the seat behind us, but she appeared to be reading and too busy for our little show.

He rested his forehead against mine, looking all pretty and perfect.

"Hi,"

"Hi."

"I love you,"

"I love you, too."

"UGH!" Lilly slammed her book shut dramatically, "Can we go to school now?!" I laughed at her and pulled away from Phil.

 

Phil looked sad as he climbed out of the truck, this is where we'd usually part ways, but instead I grabbed his hand like it was nothing and kept walking. He didn't protest.

I was vaguely aware of the parking lot stoners looking at us, but I didn't care.

I've been dumped, blackmailed, forced to hide myself, shot at, and thrown out of my house. Lying isn't working so well anymore.

 

All the guys were standing in their usual spot as I walked in, my hand tight in Phil's. Phil's sweater was a sweet sky blue, and he was wearing white skinny jeans along with it. I was wearing the same black jeans again and an old t-shirt. We were quite a pair. I also didn't straighten my hair this morning.

"Dan, what the fuck?" I looked at them and shrugged. Phil and I were on one side of the hallway and the guys were on the others. We were drawing a bit of an audience. Phil looked scared, but I wouldn't let anything happen to him, not again.

"What?" I asked nonchalantly. "Is this that big of a shock?"

"First John, and now you, fucking disgusting man." Tim shook his head as if he was a disappointed father, and for some reason it upset me more than them yelling slurs at me.

"What? Tim, I'm sorry, what's disgusting? Impregnating a girl two years younger than you?" David snorted in laughter but quickly shut it down.

"Damn fag, you really are gross. Get away with that shit." I guess this me getting off lucky, if John was here he'd be physically attacking me. Octavia did me a favor.

"What's gross?" I pulled Phil in front of me swiftly, and kissed him passionately, with him bent over and me holding him up, like we were lovers in an old movie.

People were wolf-whistling, but I focused on kissing Phil, and he didn't seem to mind.

"Oh, right," I started pulling away, a little breathless, "Your ignorant nature and homophobic brain, is gross." I saluted them, and pulled Phil after me as we walked down the hallway, the entire school staring at us in awe.

My life is unstable, I have no plans, no idea where the future is going. No friends, hardly any family, and no brain. I just did that, I obviously am not that smart. Or maybe it's Phil. I'm loving him blindly, he is clouding all of my senses. But I know one thing, when I look at him, I am unquestionably happy. 

And maybe that's enough.    

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't tell if this made any sense. I was going to write both chapters tonight but this one took me too long, so the very last chapter will be up when I get the time. Thanks for reading.


	23. I'd Do it All Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue.

We were sitting in our car in front of the old shit hole. I had insisted I that it would be a terrible idea to go, but Phil argued with me about it, and I still can't say no to him.

"But Phillll...riding on a plane with a two-year-old isn't a good idea!"

"She'll be fine. Just put on SpongeBob and she is happy for hours." We taught our daughter all of the truly amazing kid shows, and she appreciates them. We really are proud parents.

I spent my senior year on Carrie's couch, and I only applied to colleges in California, because it seemed like the place to be. And it was. I made a name for myself out there, as did Phil. It was risky, we knew there would be a good chance we'd be homeless, but it worked. Studying law in college wasn't for me, and I started modeling for Carrie's and Phil's fashion line.

Carrie and Trevor broke up the year I dropped out of college, and Carrie flew out to California to be a famous designer with Phil. Carrie and Trevor are still good friends though.

Trevor still lives in the area, so we left our daughter Carter with him. Carter is sort of afraid of Trevor because of his beard, so she just doesn't look at him. It's sort of adorable really.

Phil and I stared at the building, the horrifying stain on this patch of Earth. I still hate it here. It brings up those memories I can't seem to erase. Things Phil has long since forgiven more for, but still give me nightmares. Senior year wasn't easy, but we survived it, I had a permanent scar on my chin to prove it.

We're adults now, hell, we're nearly thirty, it's going to be fine. And if it isn't, I carry a Taser.  

Phil and I were both wearing basic black suits, because we didn't want any reason to stick out here. Phil did, but I didn't. I'm still weak, I know I am. I don't want any excuse to get taunted.

Phil wore a neon pink tie, despite my begging. He looked beautiful though. Age has been on his side.

"We have to go in." Phil grabbed my hand and I stared at his wedding band. I wondered if he ever regretted marrying me. He asked me, but still, he could do a lot better.

"Yeah, I know." I thought of my parents and their little house in the middle of no where. Seeing as how most people around here live in the forest, there was a lot of snow days. Mom loved sledding. She always had me and Trevor out their hours longer than we actually wanted because she loved it so much. There were a few patches of snow on the ground now. I almost forgot what it was like to live in the cold.

* * *

 

The gym was the same, exactly the same. Ugly and terrifying. It was decorated with balloons and streamers and there was a table with food on it in the corner, and it gave me flashbacks to me and Phil crashing senior prom. We didn't buy tickets, we climbed in a window, stole food, and got chased by the prom committee off the property. What a night.

Mrs. Taylor was the first one to notice us. She came over and wrapped us both in a hug. She's a big softie and as soon as Phil told her about me she accepted me. It was overwhelming.

Mrs. Taylor also appeared to be at least nine months pregnant, and I'm almost certain her and her wife already have five kids.

"Wow, hello, hello baby Taylor!" Phil greeted the baby, staring at Mrs. Taylor's stomach. It made me miss Carter.

"This is Angelo, probably the last baby. Baby seven." _Seven._

"Damn, and we thought one was a handful!" Carter is very expressive, as in she loves to use ketchup and mustard instead of crayons to color on the walls.

"Awww, how is Carter!"

"The same. Creative." Phil beamed, he's such a proud parent.

"I suppose that's a nice way to say sculpting her food into animals." I added, Mrs. Taylor looked serious all of a sudden.

"Better than Harriet! When she was a toddler she would wet toilet paper and throw it at the walls."

We talked with Mrs. Taylor for a bit more before she went of to talk with other students.

The deeper we went into the gym the less faces I recognized. A group of pregnant women were chilling in the corner laughing, I recognized one of them as Sally, the red haired girl that apparently liked me junior year.

"Hey," I greeted them. Sally turned to me, grinning from ear-to-ear and hugging me tightly, then Phil.

"Phil! Holy shit! I'm wearing your dress! I swear I didn't plan it, I just really love your clothes!" Sally was wearing a short tan dress that somehow still fit despite Sally's growing belly. A few of the girls around her snickered. She frowned.

"Hey! Lets go catch up!" She dragged us into another corner and sighed, "Fuck, I wish I wasn't pregnant during this. I could really use a drink after talking to those girls." Phil burst out laughing, which caused the rest of us to do the same. Sally looked exactly the same, fiery red hair and pale skin, but an engagement ring on her finger.

"Well, I know what you guys have been up to, I follow all of your social media, including your YouTube channel." Phil and I have a joint YouTube channel where we talk about clothes and things. It's not that popular.

"No, no, don't ask, I'll catch you up on me." She was obviously being sarcastic but Phil looked scared,

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry for being rude! How have you been-"

"I'm pregnant and unmarried, so not well." She was joking again.

"Engaged though." I added, Phil still hadn't caught on to her sarcasm.

"Yes, we are doing things a bit out of order." She shrugged and rubbed her belly. "It's nice though. She's not due for a while, but I can't wait."

 

* * *

As the night went on, it became easier and easier to Phil and I to talk to people. No one really seemed to be causing us any actual trouble. Just condescending compliments and sideways glances. We met Sally's husband, and he seems like a perfectly nice man. Neither Phil nor I were very close to anyone here, but it was still nice to see how people have changed.

Or haven't changed.

"Howell," He sounded the same.

Tim stood behind me with Rita Fisher on his arm. The girl he got pregnant all those years ago. I guess it's good they worked it out, but Rita looked uncomfortable.

"Lester now, actually."

"Of course it is." Shaun, Al, and Billy appeared behind him.

"You influenced David, he is here with his fiancé." Tim gestured drunkenly behind him, and David was dancing with none other than Grady. Phil snickered.

"Yeah, Grady being with one person, likely."

I wondered what happened to Blake, if he got clean, or John. He came back the middle of senior year but didn't get to graduate that year.

"Yeah, you queers can never just have on person." Rita rolled her eyes before I could retort,

"Shut up, you drunken fool. You said you wouldn't do this." She sounded very angry. I almost hugged her.

"Do what? Be honest? These two won't last much longer." Phil rolled his eyes.

"I don't know, I think it's going pretty well. Well, except we have those orgies scheduled for next week, and then scaring children on Tuesday..." Phil trailed off as if he was seriously in thought. Tim looked disgusted.

"You freaks have one minute to get the fuck out of here before I kill you. You don't belong here." Tim stepped a bit closer as he said that, so I did as well.

"We weren't the ones coming up in here and starting bullshit, you fucking dumbass. We graduated the same year as all of you. So we belong here as much as you do. If you have a problem, you leave."

We were very close. Tim had lost his muscle in the years after school, but he was still a big guy. He could probably snap my neck.

Tim spat on my shoes and roughly pulled Rita away. The others followed him.

David, oh David. He always was Grady's fanboy.

 

* * *

"Hey man." David whipped around and hugged me. That year after I came out David wasn't very cruel to me. I think after John and then me he got confused himself. He isn't a very smart guy. He has always reminded me as a human exclamation point, or maybe a golden retriever.

"Dude! I didn't know if you'd come, how are you?" We filled David and a very unimpressed Grady in on our lives, and David did the same to us. Him and Grady just got engaged yesterday apparently. I sort of felt bad for David, but he's a big boy. He can take care of himself.

"Um, do you know what happened to Blake?" I was going to ask about John too, but I wondered about Blake more. Even if John was just projecting, he was easily the worst person I ever knew.

"Blake? Yeah he got his GED after rehab. I think he's a cop in like, Philadelphia or something." I nodded at him. I hope Blake does well in life. I hope he's changed. I'd like to think his hate was brought on by the drugs, but who really knows? Maybe I'll run into him someday.

"What about John?" David's face darkened, and I kind of regretted asking.

"He jumped off the bridge on Puck Road two summers ago. I guess he had been drinking a lot. I don't know much about it. His sister buried him because his parents ended up hating him."

I regretted asking. So I hated John yeah, that's obvious. I think I will always hate John. But I had known him all my life. I will feel the loss, even if I do not exactly mourn it. I never hated John more than he hated himself.

* * *

Phil and I danced under the dim lighting in the old gymnasium. It was an old song from a time when we actually listened to today's hits, and as I rested my head on Phil's shoulder, I remembered every terrible moment I had to endure in this place. Every second of it weighed on me. I couldn't let it go.

"Dan? Don't." Phil whispered, because he knew. He always knew. I still do not know how I was so lucky to have someone as wonderful as my husband. I could've easily been John, hell, I almost was John. It was Phil who kept me from that. I will always love him for that.

Phil and I walked out of the school hand in hand not long after that, and as soon as I left the building I felt lighter again. We'd drive to Trevor's house, hug our daughter and go to sleep. I'd drive by my parents house on the way to the airport, and it will have no emotional significance to Carter, but Phil will squeeze my hand as he keeps his eyes on the road. And we'll breathe in unison, and be grateful that we get the opportunity to breathe.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate all the kind words so much. Thank you all for being so sweet. Thanks for reading.


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